Get it Out

Thank you God...

2011-02-16T21:05:00.003-05:00

... for warm days in February, big Luke-y smiles, Zoe walking and playing outside.

Overheard...

2011-02-13T22:31:00.002-05:00

I've just been giggling about this all weekend and wanted to share it somehow...

Friday I told the boys to play with each other while I was making dinner (no Wii, no TV, etc just play). So Andrew says: "Fine mom." And then turns to Luke and says:

"C'mon Luke, you can come play my new game 'Hoog the Floog' - someone has to be the dog."

No, I have no idea what that game is, how to spell it or even what it means. But Luke just trotted right after him as though he knew and was totally fine with being the dog. I'm not sure why - it just cracked me up. Something about older brothers in there just made me laugh. Maybe you had to be there.

We're having a(nother) baby!

2011-02-10T21:25:00.003-05:00

I'm sure anyone reading this has probably already heard another way, but it seemed appropriate to say a word about our newest addition here: Another sweet little Patterson baby is 12 weeks in to what is (and will be) a healthy, joyful pregnancy. We expect to meet this baby around August 26, 2011 (the official due date!). Zoe and the new baby will be about 19 months apart. So when he/she is born Andrew will be 5, Luke 3 and Zoe 1...as they are now.

Yes, we will find out the sex of the baby; most likely sometime in the first week of April.

We are excited to have a fourth child and there are often other emotions that accompany the excitement. These are usually the same as any family who welcomes any additional children: how can we possibly handle one more?!?! Because you only know the reality you're living in now. But - as our encouraging friend, Steven, said to us - "If you don't think you're a 4 child mother or father, that's ok. God does. And your job is to just agree with Him and watch Him make you one." Ok. I think I can do that!

Part of me is afraid that people are tired of us having babies and no one will want to celebrate this one with us. One of my friends jokingly said after several of us had had 3 babies: "if anyone has another one there's not going to be any more parties for you." For some reason this has stuck in my head and made me doubt a little bit whether people truly will want to celebrate with us. But I want to celebrate this baby! This seems like a major turning-point for the future of our (now quite big) family and we're looking forward. With hope.

Zoe is 1!!!

2011-01-17T20:19:00.004-05:00

Zoe turned 1 on January 11 (1 on 1-11-11!). I cannot believe it's been one year since I had my sweet baby girl. She is all that her name says: light and life. She is indeed full of life! Zoe has quite a little personality on her now. She is always "talking" to people (her brothers, strangers in the store, whoever!), she lets us know when she is done with something: she took herself off of formula cold-turkey and throws food off her tray in about one second if she doesn't like something! She is full of life and laughter and fun. And she is light. Light to our family. Light to my heart. Light on a bad day. Light on a good day. Light. Here she is on her "birth-day" and then her first birthday:

We celebrated her birthday on a cruise ship! We were somewhere between Fort Lauderdale and Haiti. It was quite a beautiful view. And all her favorite people (ok well except maybe Krissy) were there: our family, my parents and all her uncles. Here are a few shots from the party. It was a great day indeed.

Happy Birthday Zoe! You are already all that we hoped for in a daughter and more.

One Word for the New Year

2011-01-01T09:46:00.002-05:00

Last night over dinner on New Year's Eve, Bill and I reviewed 2010 and looked forward to 2011. We did a calendar review with favorite memories large and small. We talked about our dreams for the future of our family. And we both came up with one word that we felt would be big for us in 2011...one word to start the New Year.

Bill's word was GROWTH and my word was HOPE.

We each had one word we felt was kind of a runner-up...for Bill it was "patience" and for me it was "friendship."

Of course there were multiple reasons (family, personal, external, etc) why we each chose our words. I chose "Hope" because I sometimes struggle with hopelessness. I've recently realized that when I go to my "bad place" it's because I'm feeling hopeless. This is a critical verse for me to commit into my heart:

Romans 8:24-25 "But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." And this is followed by an assurance that the Spirit of God intercedes for God's children on their behalf.

This is so important for me to grasp. I have no idea how to get there but I know that I'm sick of my lack of trust in God and hope for what I do not see in my life. Not material stuff (even though I have dreams of an addition on our house!) - it's never that stuff. I can wait all day for that. It's the stuff of who I am...the essence of my heart. The dreams for what God will do in and through my life. I have dreams that feel further away than ever right now. But I'm to have Hope. I'm to wait in eager expectation of these dreams happening in my life. But I don't do that. Not even close. Instead I fall into the "how can you really believe that will happen someday?!" or the "where's your plan to make that happen yourself?" trap of hopelessness. So this is the year that God is going to teach me to have HOPE. Somehow.

And friendship. So many friendship fronts shifting in my life. I want friends here in Anderson. I want playmates on our street for my kids. I want us to see our couples' friends more often. I LONG for richness in friendship. I see that the friendships in our life have been trimmed in the past year and I'm hoping that pruning leads to new growth in 2011.

So - Hope and Friendship. That's what 2011 will bring me. What about you? One or 2 words for you?

Finishing up

2010-12-22T14:48:00.003-05:00

My class. I wanted to post a quick note since I've gotten some questions about the end of my class "Old Testament Foundations." In short - it was great. I learned so much. It was basically a survey of the entire Old Testament, learning God's story as told through the different sections of OT scripture - the Pentateuch, the historical books, the poetical books, the prophets, the wisdom books. There is so much to learn that sometimes my head would spin at all there was to learn. And then I would remember - "this is the big picture -- pull it back a bit!"
I wrote 3 papers: one on the foretelling of Jesus through ancient Israel's worship, one about the main theological themes of the Old Testament and one was a 3-parter: a) themes of the prophets, b) extrabiblical ancient literature and c) how my understanding of Jesus is was changed by what I've learned in the OT.

I honestly have no opinion as to whether this was a "good" or "bad" class. I have nothing with which to compare. For me, it was a great learning experience for a highly motivated learner. I knew I just desired the material -- almost like water on a hot day...something I was lacking and desperately desiring. I saw again how much I love to write and how much my writing is connected to my learning. One of my papers actually made me cry.

There were days that I got tired of using all my early mornings and naptimes to get my work done. And the week my papers were due were a little much. But all in all, it was great.

Next semester I'm doing "New Testament Foundations." When I saw that I said "oh yeah - that makes sense." First the Old, then the New...a year of laying foundations.

LUKE is 3!

2010-12-13T10:27:00.003-05:00

Today is Luke's 3rd birthday! My sweet little guy was so excited about today that last night he was singing himself "Happy Birthday" in bed and having a birthday party with his stuffed animals! He's been wearing his birthday crown almost every day since his preschool class celebrated his birthday on Dec 3rd. I think this is the first year he understands and anticipates the excitement of a birthday. We're heading to First Watch with the whole family for lunch - at his request. His favorite meal is pancakes and eggs.

Luke is some special kid. He just melts my heart with his sweetness. I see purity all over him. People typically comment on his "bright eyes" or his "sweetest little voice." He leaves joy in his wake. I always tell Luke that I have a "Luke-y spot" in my heart that only he can fill. He likes that! And this kid is a resilient little boy...not much ruffles his feathers, makes him cry or upsets him. He "rolls with it."

A friend told me before Luke was born that he would fill in holes in our family that we didn't even know were there. And he has. He cannot be compared to anyone else - Luke is Luke. And we love him so much.

My Boy

2010-11-19T14:10:00.004-05:00

Andrew is such a great kid. Today he is 5 years old! I think that officially means he isn't a toddler, and certainly not a baby, anymore. He just seems....grown up.

We love this kid so much. He's energetic (!!!), funny, smart, kind-hearted, sensitive and above-all: loving! He is just made to be a friend. He has a natural way of bringing others into what he's doing and making them feel cared-for, protected or special. Andrew is also a great cuddler. He's awesome at numbers (does math in his head already!) and loves to build things. He calls Luke his "best bud" and has said often of Zoe "mommy I just can't stop loving her!" He has a special place in his heart for his Dad (affectionately known as "Big Dude"). We all have special relationships with Andrew.

We don't know what our family would be like without this wonderful boy! He is an awesome kid.

Five years ago today I basking in the glow of my first son being born at 12:04pm. His proud daddy was already happily watching the Buckeyes beat Michigan while cuddling his boy. Perfect all around.

An idea and a little spontaneity

2010-11-08T13:39:00.005-05:00

So if you've read my blog for a while you know I'm big on having weekly routines to be intentional about how/where I'm spending time with/for my kids. But we always leave open space. And today something cool happened in the open space.

We (me and the boys) were doing our Monday morning "table time" during Zoe's nap. This is a time where we all sit together at the kitchen table and almost anything is fair game as long as it can be done on the table. Sometimes we color, practice writing letters, play games, do puzzles, play cards or read books or magazines. Today while the boys were finishing a puzzle I was glancing through a kids magazine that they don't really like (it's a little old for them still). But I came across a story about 2 brothers who served the homeless with their parents. It was short so I read it to them. It was a cool story about 2 boys who got an idea while they were serving food to the homeless that they should buy each of them a sleeping bag. So they counted their piggy banks and they did it. And the next year they handed out 32 sleeping bags. Anyway - cool story. Within it there was a very brief mention that one time the boys took candy to give away with the food and people loved it because they don't usually get candy. And...there it was! An idea.

Why don't we take all this Halloween candy and give it away?

I ran it by the boys and it was met with very little excitement. They love their Halloween candy. But I persisted. So Andrew chose the required 10 pieces and Luke counted out 21. I also contributed 11 pieces plus the extra we'd held back after trick or treat was over. As soon as Zoe woke up, we were off!

We drove down to Washington Park in Over the Rhine. It is a beautiful day today so I figured we'd find a lot of people out and about around this area. I was right. By the time we arrived Andrew was excited. He ran up to almost everyone we saw and asked if they wanted candy. Almost everyone did! Here's a few little snippets...

We were met with surprise but we were received. People love bold and vulnerable kids.
One guy wanted to give the boys something too and gave them each $1. I felt it was right to just receive his kindness. And Andrew gave his away to the next man he met.
One guy had a dog and said his name was Elmo. I said "Really?!" and he said "only when kids are around, his real name is (expletive)." I was amused by this...even he seemed protective of the kids.
One man asked us where we attended church and had questions about whether he'd be welcome on the weekend. I told him absolutely yes and how to get there.
We took some play-dough and a baby blanket and asked Jesus to show us some kids to give to. One man mentioned he had a boy about Andrew's age so we gave him the play-dough. He was thrilled. We talked to two young men who both said they had babies but didn't want to take the (white) blanket for fear they get it dirty before they saw their babies again. Next time I'll ask for the address and send it to them.
One man clearly wasn't mentally together...and he grabbed a lot of candy and tried to take the bucket from Andrew. Another man standing in the group immediately grabbed the bucket back for Andrew and said "what's wrong with you - give that kid his bucket!" He and I had been chatting so I thanked him. Andrew and Luke were not bothered by any of this exchange.

On the way home I asked the boys what they noticed about the area and they told me that people didn't really have houses like we did and no playsets were around and no yards. We got to thank God for all that He has given to us.

I'm under no false impressions that we did something huge and majestic today. But it did force us all out of our comfort zone and into real conversations with real people that we never would have seen or met. It definitely served to show me what was in my own heart - nervousness about engaging people when I wasn't sure how/if we'd be received and wondering whether what we were doing was just stupid. But I believe God put that story in my hands this morning and am thankful we were spontaneous enough to say yes. I think this was born in His heart.

I feel like a stupid white girl even writing this story because it seems like something suburban people might do to make themselves feel good about giving to people who had less than them. But that isn't why we went. We just said yes to an idea in the belief that it was from God. I don't know what really happened in the hearts of anyone we met but I know what happened in mine: a couple fences came down and a couple new conversations with my boys opened up. So that was good.

Halloween Fun!

2010-11-01T10:55:00.003-04:00

Halloween is such fun, isn't it? Here are my trick or treaters all ready to go! Andrew and Luke were doing their best superhero poses! Our neighborhood is so friendly, especially on special nights like this. As we sat out at the fire pit in the driveway, I found myself wishing that we had more nights where people came out of their houses in the evenings.

Below are pictures from the preschool parades that Andrew and Luke got to do with their classes.

And finally Zoe. Thanks Grandma for making such a great "Super Zoe" costume. Any superhero that we can make sparkly pink and purple is good for my girl!

New York! Second annual.

2010-10-29T07:26:00.007-04:00

I think our trip is best told in pictures. And they're more fun anyway!

We (just me and Andrew) arrived Friday at lunchtime. That afternoon we took the ferry to Hoboken NJ to visit Carlo's Bakery (from the show Cake Boss on TLC: I'm a fan and just had to taste it!). Andrew learned the phrase "wild goose chase" as we had a few missteps on the trip!

We bought and ate that Frankenstein cake (yum!) at a gathering of John's friends on Friday evening.

Saturday morning we went to FAO Schwarz!

Andrew learned from Uncle John how to hail his own cab. As usual, transportation was a major highlight: airplanes, boats, trains, cabs...a little boy's dream!

We also went to the top of the Empire State Building at sunset (no we couldn't have planned the timing!) and then ate dinner at Mars 2112 in Times Square. We also got a simulated helicopter ride (think theme-park-moving-seat-ride) that I think might have been Andrew's favorite thing on the whole trip. It was so good that I got motion sick!

Sunday was lovely. A walk to the park with the new puppy, Taz. Lunch out. (We even saw Bono eating at a place called "Isabella's" - right out on the street! Of course I would never have known him but John and Matt did in an instant!).

All in all - an awesome trip. So many little things to tell that I couldn't possibly do it here. We had a great time. These annual trips are the makings of some great great memories. We sure love Uncle John and Matt.

The Fear of God

2010-10-06T14:44:00.002-04:00

"The fear of God" is a phrase used over and over again in the Bible. I get what it means, as in I understand the meaning of the words...but I always sensed that I was missing this truth within me. What does it mean to "fear God?" I think I'm respectful of Him, recognize His awesomeness, His vastness, His omnipotence, omnipresence, etc...doesn't all that add up to fearing Him? Well, I just kind of always assumed that it did. I figured because I acknowledged all these big/amazing/awe-inspiring aspects of the Lord, that - well, I must fear Him, right?
Wrong.
At least for me.

One thing that has been taking root in me lately is a fear of God. I think I'm making the first scratch on the surface of what all that entails. You see, I've been studying Him through the Old Testament...how He dealt with His people. I have been understanding what it meant to follow Him then - the Law, the sacrifices, the temple, the Kings and priests, etc. I've found myself being offended at some of what I'm learning of Him. I'm annoyed at the complexity of it all. I'm dismayed at the killings He ordered, the curses He brought down, the punishment of death that befalls folks way too often for my sensibilities. I'm overwhelmed by the (seeming) intolerance for what seems to me to be pretty expected fallen human behavior. I'm exhausted by reading about the hundreds of prescribed sacrifices and how the entire society had to pretty much revolve around worshipping God: not because of heartfelt love for Him but because if every waking moment wasn't focused upon it, it actually couldn't even get done. I'm seeing aspects of His character for the first time. The purity He is. The perfection that He is. The uncompromising nature of Him.
Beyond my feeling sorry for the Israelites, overwhelmed and exhausted by their lifestyle and annoyed with God for being so anal and over-the-top...I think what is beginning to set in is fear. Fear of God. I think I'm maybe cracking the door open on pieces of Him previously unexplored in my faith. I'm understanding why our casual approach to Him could be mistaken for disrespect or plain old ignorance of Who He Really Is.
I think I'm starting to get that He didn't DO those things to Israel to make their lives difficult and tempt them into disobediance...He just IS those things. And we can't be in His Presence like we are. And yes, there are a whole lot of hoops you had to jump through if you even wanted to try. I guess that means He is Holy.

If you've read this far, you're just reading some processing of mine about His Holy Nature and how it's beginning to enstill this "fear of God" thing that I've so often read about in the past. No conclusion. No answers. Just processing.
Do you know Him like this?

Zoe's Dedication

2010-09-26T15:27:00.003-04:00

This past Sunday in a community of friends, we dedicated Zoe to the Lord. Essentially we said to God "We know you made this special girl. We consider Your will for her better than our own, so we'll follow You first in raising her." We committed to raising her in accordance with God's Word, to keeping the Lord in our home and family and to seek wisdom within our community to parent her. We realize that we cannot control Zoe's relationship with God, but we believe God will reveal His instructions and a lot of grace along the way for her to come to know Him.

There were 12 kids dedicated together - some were children of good friends of mine such as Chaney Russell (Kelly) Isaac Paul (Erin), Ben Ranson (Sara) and Joy Manuel (Dora). We were happy to do this in a community of friends. Here are a couple photos we took. While our intentions are pure and good, we realize too that we are flawed parents, so we put all our hope in Jesus to help us follow through with these commitments. Our best hope for our daugher is to come to know Him and live within a community of people (like this amazing one!) who do too.

Zoe update

2010-09-21T16:20:00.003-04:00

Just wanted to bring you up to speed on my cute girl. She's happier than ever and changing all the time. I'm so enjoying her! Lately she can be found:

swinging on the swingset...

crawling everywhere (she must be in the same room with her brothers!)...

being loved by her brothers - sometimes it's a little much!...

trying hard to stand up....

cracking up....(at "where's Zoe?" or being tickled or anything her brothers are doing)

and (just this past week) clapping!

We're all loving this baby-stage. She's 8.5 months now...adorable!

Back to School!

2010-09-10T16:00:00.003-04:00

The boys have now gone for their first days of preschool. They attend Anderson Hills Methodist. It's a really nice program. Today (Friday) was Luke's first day ever of preschool. He had no problems and loved it! Here he is ready (how could you not fall in love with that face?!):

And here's big bro showing him the ropes in the hallway (I love this shot!):

Tuesday was Andrew's first day. Here he is with one of his teachers, Mrs Huxtable. She's adorable. Luke described her as "cuddly." I think he's right.

I'm enjoying the new brother dynamics of them being at the same school. They have new things to discuss and share. Unfortunately for mommy, they're never there at the same time.

So we're off and into our new fall schedule. School has begun!

Noodle-fight!

2010-09-09T13:20:00.003-04:00

So this week's Bible-story-action was David and Goliath. We had a shield (thanks to last year's Family Camp) and 2 swords.
Let me share with you the perfect sword:

Yes, it's a pool noodle. We had 2 in the garage, and it's (almost) impossible to hurt someone with it. We really went for it when the Philistines were battling with Israel.

This story was just plain fun...we actually did it twice. The boys alternated roles: King Saul or David. Nothing dramatic like last week but fun nonetheless. And they really love the idea of roles, costumes, etc. We just grab whatever is in our garage or basement and go for it. I'm learning again for about the 100th time that the kids just like it when they know a) that mom is going to be totally engaged in the play too! and b) they know what's coming (yay for schedules) so they can look forward to doing it each week.

Patterson-boys' Sleepover

2010-09-06T20:33:00.004-04:00

Boys only. Sunday night was the first boys-only sleepover in our basement. It was a celebration of the start of preschool (this Tuesday for Andrew, Friday for Luke). It was complete with sleeping bags, popcorn and daddy...a recipe for a great night. The boys went down there at 730pm. Here's the first picture of them all set up and ready to go.

Then at 8pm I heard the ice cream truck coming up the street...what a perfect surprise! There was also a cookie plate and popcorn...my role was to make up the beds and provide the treats. Perfect.

The next morning, the sleeping bags came upstairs and Zoe got in on the action. She loved it!

The sleepover was a wild-success. We can see these happening on special occasions for a long time to come. As I was sitting upstairs watching "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" I was thinking about how lucky these boys are to have Bill as a father. It's impossible to know what kind of impact a night like this leaves on little boys when they get to see their dad play, read, wrestle and love them in a special boys-only way. But I think it's big.

Update on school

2010-09-04T21:03:00.002-04:00

My school (the boys start this next week and I'm sure I'll do a post about that too!).

I was officially accepted a few weeks back. My first class is called "Old Testamant Foundations." I picked it out of all the classes in the seminary as the one I wanted first. And it is PERFECT. I'm learning exactly what I want to learn. The textbook is like gold to me. I read every chapter like this is precious knowledge that I'm allowed to have. I'm so very grateful for this class. It's already getting me more excited about the Bible than ever and filling in so many blanks in my own personal reading and knowledge. I'm constantly thinking "oh yes! why didn't I see that before?!" or "oh yes! that makes sense!" or "man - that is incredible." Turns out a lot of really really really smart people have studied this Book and deeply believe that it is the story of a real God. I'm just beginning to read a book all about the ancient worship practicies prescribed to Israel and how, through them, God was already telling the story of Jesus thousands of years before He came. I'm in heaven. (Not literally). :-)

So... just a quick post to update you....I'm loving it.

Adam and Eve...alli-style

2010-09-01T13:51:00.004-04:00

So I thought it'd be good to have fun with some Bible stories by acting them out. Not only is it great fun for the boys, but I believe it just makes the stories come to life and sink deeper. Granted, this will continue to be more fun as they grow up, but I've gotten pretty good at dialing things down for a 2 and 4 year old. But I wasn't prepared at ALL for what happened this morning....

We decided on the story of Adam and Eve and (as their children's bible calls it...) the "Sneaky Snake." This is their current favorite at bedtime. Short on costumes, we grabbed a dinosaur costume from last Halloween and a superhero cape and mask. Andrew (the dinosaur) represented the creation story and Luke (the superhero) was Adam. Then we needed a snake and a God. I said I'd do the snake and Andrew immediately yelled "No Mommy! No one can be the snake!!" Ok - good point. So we settled on the tail of the dinosaur as the snake with mommy doing the voice. And I played God. (hehehe). And off we went through the short story doing voices, hiding behind bushes, etc. Then....

As we were coming to the end and I (er...God) was talking to Adam (now played by Andrew) and Eve (now played by Luke) about why they had to leave the garden and not live with God....I could see Andrew getting a little upset. Tears were forming in his eyes. (I was playing a loving but firm God -- nothing scary, mean or over-the-top I swear!). And he suddenly started to cry when I asked them to leave the garden (the bushes outside our front porch). He cried and cried. I had to stop and hold him on my lap. Real tears. He was really upset!! I asked him why he was crying as I held him and he said...
"Mommy - I can just feel how sad that was for Adam."
All I said was "you're right buddy - this is actually a very sad story. I think you got it."

Stay tuned - next week I promised some sort of battle with light-sabers.

Then and Now

2010-08-29T09:14:00.005-04:00

We happened to snap a similar picture this weekend to one that was taken when Zoe was just a few weeks old.

January 26 (Zoe was just15 days old!) and August 27, 2010.

My how she has changed!

Every mommy's favorite picture...

2010-08-28T12:13:00.003-04:00

...is with all their kids. Aren't my kids so sweet?!

Dream about school

2010-08-19T07:33:00.002-04:00

Ok people... all week a dream has been on my mind. So I asked God to help me find it in my old journals. And, wouldn't you know it, I went right back to it. It's from July 1, 2007. I think He's suggesting that it's related to my new school endeavor.

If there's one thing I'm cautious about going into these classes, it's "Religion." I don't want to become some judgmental, woman who wears denim-jumpers and scrunchies and annoys all her friends with Bible verses. I definitely have a warning in my spirit to be on-the-lookout for Religion hanging around this seminary setting. I'm well aware it's there. But I don't feel that God has told me to avoid it or to be afraid of it...just to be aware.

So, here's the dream;

I'm at the International House of Prayer (quick note: this is the one in Kansas City - which for those who don't know - is notorious for being very into the charismatic gifts of the Holy Spirit...tongues, prophesy, healings, miracles, etc. I have actually been there and it's pretty cool. It's kind of the opposite of a stuffy, traditionally "religious" environment).

Anyway - I'm there taking a class. I'm coming in a little late. I slide into my seat. A man at the front of the lecture hall (3 tiers of a semi-circle...probably 100-200 people) shares something very difficult about his life with the group. He says that we are going to now have a time for the Lord to speak to this...and my assumption is that we will wait a few minutes and hear the Holy Spirit and then say to everyone what we hear God saying. Immediately, though, most of the room instantly breaks out into a loud, unison recitation of the Lord's Prayer. This is supposedly the way God is speaking. My head snaps up. I, and the young guy next to me, say "wow - talk about the religious spirit!" I'm shocked at what's happening and immediately feel God impressing upon me that I am getting a glimpse of how much the religious spirit is present even in places that I don't think it will be. Somehow I'm surprised that I'm one of the few people in the room not falling prey to it. I glance around knowing that there are some other people (friends) that I know in the class. I can't see any of their faces but I know one is Steven...he is sitting on the opposite side of the room from me, way up in the back row. I try to make eye contact to communicate but can't.

Ok friends - that's the end of the dream. Here are my observation THREE years later!

First of all, can we just say "WOW." This was 3 years ago! God lays plans for our lives, people! He does!

This feels a lot like my current situation with school! I am coming in less than a week before the start of the semester...they're accepting a late application from me...I'm definitely "sliding into my chair late."

I take encouragement that God has prepared me with understanding of a religious spirit and that I can be confident that I will have the discernment I need to see it.

I need to hold fast to the Holy Spirit. God speaks moment by moment THROUGH HIM!

Overall I receive this dream as a warning and as an encouragement. What do you see?! I know God has been bringing this dream back to my mind this week ,and He helped me find it again. So --- if you have any observations, please share!

It's (almost) official

2010-08-18T09:54:00.002-04:00

I'm a student again.

I've just enrolled in the Masters of Divinty program at Cincinnati Bible Seminary. I'm waiting on my official admission acceptance, but they've allowed me to go ahead and enroll in my class for this semester. (I'm taking that as a positive sign).

If you're an avid reader of my blog (I think there are 1 or 2 of you out there!) then you know that I really want to learn the Bible in a deeper way. And the Seminary is teaching what I want to learn. I never imagined I'd end up there but honestly it feels really right. If you're interested in more about why I'm going, let me know and I'll send you my essay I wrote for admission! (It's a good, short read!).

I'm going to pursue a concentration in Biblical Studies. I don't care much about any of the courses involving vocational ministries (think family ministry, children's ministries, church planting/leadership, etc). I'm after deeper knowledge of the Bible. The only part I'm not looking forward to is the 12 hours of Greek or Hebrew that I'll eventually have to take!

This will be slow-going. I'm not anxious for a degree. I just want to start learning more. I'm literally doing one class at a time. 75 hours takes a long time that way but I don't care. My first one is called "Old Testament Foundations." Wooohooo! Just what I want. (Seriously - that wasn't a joke).

This is going to be interesting...the admissions assistant already used about 3 terms in our conversation that I didn't understand about the online components of the classes (what's a moodle?!). Anyway - I guess it HAS been 11 years since I graduated. I even remember getting on some crazy thing called "the internet" when I was a freshman in college. My my how things have changed.

Wish me luck in my first class. I'm sure I'll be posting more about this new adventure.

Training is in Session

2010-08-12T14:59:00.002-04:00

Two days ago Zoe reached up and pulled off my favorite necklace and broke it. Andrew told me this morning that we couldn't play cards because Zoe was with us (she's been going straight for the pile and messing it up!). Yesterday she turned 7 months old. Two days ago she began to cry at dinner when I wouldn't let her suck on a wet paper towel used to wipe off her face. All of these things convinced me that it was time for her first "No" Boot Camp. We just had our first training session:
A pile of the (forbidden!) cards was near some other (allowed) toys. I let her play. She noticed the cards (as I knew that she would). And she immediately began to reach out for them. I squeezed her hand and, calmly, said "no" in a regular tone of voice. We repeated this no less than 30 times. She finally paused and looked for another toy. We played a few minutes together. Then she went back for the cards. I gave her the same squeeze and "no." She burst into tears! Cried and cried for a couple minutes. We repeated this about 6-7 times again. She finally was crying hard enough that I picked her up and comforted her.

I don't care if you're 7 months or 7 years old: we can't play with anything we want to play with just because it's nearby. And we don't get what we want by crying. These truths hold up for a 33 year old mom as well. I think my kids need taught obediance and self-control even at a young age. Our ability to restrain our own (natural) self-centeredness could very well dictate the course of many decisions we make in our lives. And you might think this is too soon or over the top, but I believe it starts NOW.

This matter is not closed. We'll be having training session #2 later. I'll post results.

"Salting the Earth"

2010-08-07T11:49:00.005-04:00

I was reading Matthew 5:13 this morning. It's the familiar passage in the Beatitudes where Jesus teaches about his followers being "salt of the earth." Here it is:

"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men."

Something hit me strangely about it today...maybe it was a question about how salt could actually lose saltiness or maybe it's the weird reference to being "trampled." But in any case, I got curious. And so I dug and dug until I discovered something I never knew:

Salting-the-earth was an actual practice of the Roman Empire! They would literally salt the earth of enemies after they'd conquered their lands...to ruin the soil for crops (and make them dependent upon Rome for food). Salt ruins the ground for any crops to ever grow there again!

So when Jesus tells us to be "salt of the earth," I don't think he's primarily talking about salt as a flavor or preservative (both helpful analogies for Christ-followers, but I don't think the main point). Instead, He is telling us that WE are to prevent the enemy from EVER growing "crops" in that land again. We're to RID the world of the enemy by salting the land so Satan can no longer grow his crops here! It's war-talk. It's about conquering. It's making sure that no enemy-crops grow up around US.

I also learned that salt loses it's "saltiness" only when mixed with impurities. When we mix ourselves in with worldliness (i.e. enemy territory) than we are ineffective as salt. We lose our saltiness. We cannot conquer enemy lands and prevent his crops from growing if we, ourselves, are mixed together with impurities.

I love learning. And this one really blew my skirt up!!

Pure Joy

2010-08-04T14:56:00.002-04:00

A few minutes ago I was folding laundry with Zoe playing right beside me on the floor. I felt that familiar nudge of God...this time saying "do yourself a favor: stop folding this laundry and play with her." So I did. And this little lady squealed, rolled, kissed and giggled for about 10 straight minutes. She was Pure Joy. And I got to have some too. It was impossible not to share in her light and joy.
I picked this picture because it caught a little glimpse of that full squeal, open mouth JOY that is Zoe.

Ahhhh the rhythm of vacation....

2010-07-28T19:17:00.003-04:00

Here's a few more fun vacation pictures...
Our boys perfectly depicted below: Andrew wakes up ready to play and Luke wakes up only to be cuddled.

Zoe was a champ, eating dinner out by the lake many nights. At least it was a good view! And our last evening we all had a sugary drink out at the little tiki-bar on the lake.

And no mountain vacation would be complete without a night of s'mores. This is a FAVORITE of mine. But Luke just wants to eat a Hershey bar, and Bill's not crazy about them at all....so the s'more experience wasn't as magical as I wanted it to be. Oh well. At least there was a pretty fire on a cool evening.

Family Vacations are rarely this fun.

2010-07-25T14:00:00.004-04:00

I had a great trip to Michigan. I just had to write about what made it so great.

First - Northern Michigan itself. Beautiful. And cool-ish for July. Boyne, specifically, is a beautiful area: mountains, woods, lakes everywhere, ski trails turned jogging trails, ski lifts through the mountains. Deer Lake was small enough to not be daunting in a kayak and had a small, but quaint, perfect swimming beach. And we had a gorgeous house to stay in. So, net: the set up was awesome both inside and outside.

Second - The help. We had Bonnie and Dan along. This really freed our family. We had 4 adults and 3 kids. We could split up any time we wished or stay together. The boys could go with grandparents. Bill could take Andrew putting. I could take a jog with Zoe. Dan could take Luke fishing. We could go out on a date. Any and all of that could happen because having grandma and grandpa along really makes it work for everyone.

Third - Everyone fought for everyone else's vacation. Bill made sure I got to do the zip lines I wanted to do. Bonnie and Dan made sure we got out to dinner by ourselves. We shoved Dan out the door for a day of fishing. I made sure Bill felt free to go and play golf. The men let the women get pedicures at the lodge spa while they took the kids. I've never once had a vacation that I could honestly say by the end of it that there wasn't even ONE other thing that I'd wanted to do. I did EVERYthing! And so did everyone else. And it's because everyone fought for everyone else's desires. It takes a bunch of selflessness to make that all happen. And, in the end, everyone did everything they desired. (Ok - well maybe Grandpa would have liked to fish all day every day, but that was never going to happen!) And, this picture is PRE pedicure!

Andrew's swimming and golf were highlights for us also - we really watched him go for it with confidence knowing he could swim (well, ALMOST but don't tell him that!). And he fell in love with putting and golf. Bill is in heaven imagining all the amazing father/son times ahead.

The only bummer of the whole trip was Zoe's sleep. This girl just didn't like her room or bed or something. She was up about 3 times/night every single night! It was like having a 3 month old again. We were exhausted but just kind of got over it and had fun anyway. And last night? Slept from 730pm - 630am in her own house and crib. The silver lining is that the milk problem's I'd had are definitely gone -- more nursing really does the trick! Good thing she's so darn cute.

We enjoyed a beautiful week. I have an awesome family.

And Dear Michigan: we'll be back. :-)

6 Months!!!!

2010-07-11T21:06:00.003-04:00

Zoe is already 6 months old. I wish I could put into words how much I love this little girl. She is exactly what her name is: LIFE and LIGHT. I wake up every day thinking about how adorable and sweet she is. And when she smiles at me, I'm pretty sure I've got the best daughter in the world. It's like we were made for each other. Uh - oh yeah, we WERE. I can't imagine life in our family without Zoe. We wouldn't trade her for anything in the world.

When she's older, I'll tell her this little story just like I tell my boys: I'll say..."Zoe - if Mommy could pick out ANY little girl in the whole world, out of all the billions and billions of little girls that I could have ever had...do you know which one I would pick?!" And, hopefully, she'll do what Luke does now: he thumps his chest and points at himself because he knows I'm about to say... "I'd pick YOU as my favorite."

Here she is at birth, 3 months and now 6 months!! Happy 1/2 Birthday Zoe Elaine!

Family update 2

2010-07-06T15:50:00.009-04:00

I haven't felt much like blogging lately but I did want to do a quick family update before July zooms by! We're getting ready for a family vacation to Lake Erie and then up to Michigan so this month is going to pass quickly.

Summer is going pretty well here: Andrew is in some half-day camps here and there. He really enjoyed his "cooking camp" last week at the Healthplex. Luke and I looked forward to picking him up to see what treats he'd have to share! Luke is getting so big and he even got to go to a play-camp with Andrew today for the first time at Andrew's preschool teacher's home. He did great. Zoe is growing and growing. She rolls over and over, eats a lot and squeals at her brothers. She is content to hang out at home or be on-the-go. She's a good-natured little gal.

Bill and I are finally getting a few dates again. Last night we went out with friends on a double-date. This past weekend we joined our friends for a big July 4th party and parade -- really fun! We love our friends. Big outings are pretty tough with all 3 kids but we just team up and try to keep it all together. If any one of us has even a little fun, we call it a success!

There are also lots of days at home playing in the baby pools and hose, going to the neighbor's to shoot baskets (a current obsession of Andrew's) or digging in the sandbox.

We've also done some house projects lately: a new kitchen backsplash, sprucing up the basement bathroom and having a new concrete sidewalk laid around to the back of our house. Next up: replacing the ceiling fan from 1980 in our living room!

So, we're enjoying each other and the kids. Life is good. Vacation is coming. And even when day-to-day life exhausts us with the kids, we are so very grateful.

Grace update

2010-06-15T21:44:00.002-04:00

So here's an update after a couple days...

Sunday...the "thing" I mentioned in my last post that I wanted to do was to send an apology to someone from a long time ago. I saw his name on a friend's Facebook page and remembered what a jerk I was to him on a team I worked on way back at P&G. (I am tempted here to tell you all the things that made him so annoying to me at the time). But the truth is that I was a jerk...I made him uncomfortable and certainly did not do anything to encourage or support him. I figured if I wanted to receive the grace of forgiveness, then I need to apologize when it's appropriate. So I did. I sent a short, but totally honest apology for being the aforementioned jerk. No word yet. Maybe never will hear back from him. But I meant it from my heart. And I forgave myself in the process, so that's some grace received anyway.

Monday... received what I'll call "go for it" grace. I found myself wanting a workout but have been hesitant to take all 3 kids to the Healthplex childcare in the narrow windows of time between naps and feedings. But I went for it and it felt good to try something new. We were 20 minutes late for my "baby reservation" but I got 30 minutes on the treadmill. Good enough!

Tuesday...received the blessing of a babysitter for one hour in the morning. Took a walk and a shower.

I think sometimes I hold myself back from receiving blessings that are just sitting there waiting for me... a workout, a babysitter. I like the idea of "go for it" grace...I think God is going "hello Alli...would you just go for it and let me bless you?!"

Lastly - I've intentionally remembered and told God some of the ways that I remember being/feeling/experiencing when I first came to know Him. It's been fun and inspiring just to remember His goodness and grace to me then. I hope to receive some of that stuff anew.

We'll see what tomorrow brings!

An experiment with Grace...

2010-06-12T19:18:00.002-04:00

So this week I'm going to do a little experiment. I need some grace. And I know God wants me to have it. So this week my experiment is about how much of His grace I can receive.

A while back I did some searching through scripture about receiving grace. I even had a very compelling dream about receiving grace. I thought about receiving grace. But apparently I didn't actually do it. So...now that I know it...I must actually DO it. This week I'm going to receive a little grace. And you can come along for the ride.

Here's what I found out in scripture about some ways I can practice receiving God's grace in my life on a daily basis:

Acknowledge with gratitude the way that I first came to know Him.
Receive any forgiveness that someone offers me.
Receive any blessing or any favor that someone offers me.
Receive others' gifts as help and service to me.
Acknowledge with gratitude all the strengths, talents and spiritual gifts that He has given to me.
Use my gifts to give out grace to others.
Be confident that when I pray, He is immediately giving me the help that I ask for.

So...here we go. Let's just see what happens. Who knows?...maybe you'll be part of it! I'll keep you updated as the week goes on. I already know what I'm to do...an idea I had 2-3 days ago. I'll keep you wondering for now and let you know what happens.

Crumbs of grace

2010-06-09T15:24:00.002-04:00

It's like I was just starting to eat a big amazing piece of cake and now all that's left for me is crumbs...before I really even took a big bite.

That's how much grace I've been giving myself. Crumbs.

Somewhere between 3-4 months after Zoe was born I just ran out of grace for myself. Suddenly instead of thinking "good job on losing 95% of that baby weight so fast" I was thinking "damn these last 3 pounds, why can't I just get them off?!" I changed from thinking "good job on making a good dinner a couple times this week" to "where's the menu plan and homemade meals this week - can't you pull that together since you're home all day long?!" I went from being satisfied that all my kids were loved, together and happy to "where's the intellectual stimulation, creative activities and why can't you get your act together and take them all to the museum?"

It's riddled with self-blame, perfectionism and rules. It's not grace. And I think it's been making me angry. You know, angry on a deeper level. Angry that I can't quite do it. It seems I went from giving myself grace in the time after Zoe's birth to figure out how to mother 3 kids...and now, somewhere between months 3 and 4 I decided that I needed to have it all figured out, cook great, look great and basically be having fun again and making sure my kids were having fun too.

Well, guess what? I'm not having that much fun. And I don't think I will until I figure out how to receive a little bit more grace.

Aren't you glad you read this?! :-)

Ah-hah!

2010-06-04T19:28:00.002-04:00

Now that's better. This little lady is looking better than ever after logging some time in the full sun of the shepherd's hook.

(And no, the irony of that name has not escaped me).

I love petunias.

The Tale of 2 Plants

2010-05-30T07:53:00.004-04:00

I bought 2 beautiful hanging baskets of petunias for my front porch area. They were nearly identical when I brought them home- full with lots of beautiful flowers and healthy. I put one on the hook at the top of my porch and the other on a shepherd's hook in the mulch beside the porch. Within 2 weeks, they looked like completely different plants.
I suddenly realized that God was showing me something... (one of my favorite proverbs is 24:32"I applied my heart to what I observed and learned a lesson from what I saw.") One way I have heard the Lord speak to me is by observing his creation... I've heard him talk to me about people or situations in my life or His own character using grass, a blue spruce, the nature preserve woods that I visit, the ocean, the sun and clouds, the moon, the stars, the confluence of 2 rivers, my garden, etc. I'm sure I could keep going.
But this time it's the petunia plants...back to the plants...

The plants both received water from me - plenty to flourish - but here was what I saw:

The one hanging partially covered by the porch

Was very slow to bloom again
Began to "look" down at the ground, drooping and losing volume at the top
Was still green and alive - but was losing its beauty

The one on the hook was full and voluminous, had many stems reaching upward toward the sky and was FULL of blossoms.

The different was light. The fullness of the sun. God was trying to show me that the amount of light and the fullness of the light really matters...not to the plants being alive, but to them being ALL they can be; being beautiful. I buy the petunias to give my home beauty, not to just be green and alive (I have bushes and trees for that). It's the fullness of the light that lets them be beautiful - and beauty is their purpose.

Here's a few verses on light (a few of the MANY). These tell me that the Lord is the light. That light = life. That the purpose of our life is to glorify Him (i.e. produce beauty!).

Isaiah 60:1 "Arise, shine for your light has come and the glory of the Lord rises upon you."
John 1:4 "In him was life and that life was the light of men."
Matthew 5:15-16: "...Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way let your light shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father, who is in heaven."

I also got curious about whether the Bible talks about blooming plants...and here's what I found:

Psalm 144 (parts): "What is man that you care for him? The son of man that you think of him?...Part your heavens Lord and come down...Reach down your hand from on-high...Deliver me and rescue me... Then our sons in their youth will be like well-nutured plants..."

I would say that a well-nutured plants is watered, groomed, trimmed and given plenty of LIGHT. So I also think God is telling me that the one plant is a picture of how my sons will look if I raise them with His light and care...full of blossoms and very obviously beautiful.

I still like the placement of these 2 plants around my porch - so I switched them to give the sad one some time on the shepherd's hook. It's reaching for the sky now...not blooming again quite yet but I have hope. And I guess in a few weeks I'll have to switch them back! I'll keep you posted.

A Day in the Life

2010-05-28T09:25:00.007-04:00

Here's a 24 hour period of pictures in our life. Yesterday provided a lot of opportunities for the camera so I thought I'd share a "day in the life" right now for us...

Playing with my sweet Zoe. I enjoy just taking pictures of her and talking to her in that baby voice that would drive anyone else crazy. But she's my baby-girl....so I love it!

An end-0f-year Ice Cream Social in Andrew's classroom. This is Andrew with his teacher, Mrs Kaiser, and friends Will and James. These guys became good friends this year.

Luke and Andrew relaxing in the baby-pool...it's too hot for May! I get cranky in the heat.

Luke-y playing peek-a-boo with me after coming in from his "swim"

Andrew loving some daddy-cuddles with his proclaimed "best buddy" Dad.

Busy day! We also had some friends over for dinner but didn't take any pictures of that... pizza, Wii and some friend-time to end the day... all in all: a good one.

Nemacolin....

2010-05-26T15:20:00.003-04:00

No it's not an unpleasant gastrological procedure of some sort....

it's the name of the beautiful resort at which we spent this past weekend. By "we" I mean me, Bill and Zoe. The boys stayed with Nana and Papa.

This place is up in the beautiful mountains in Pennsylvania. Nemacolin Woodlands resort... check it out at: http://www.nemacolin.com/. There's hiking, wild animal preserves, golf, spa, pool/hot tub, fine wines, restaurants, zip line (bummer it rained when I could have tried it out!) and everything else you could think of. It was awesome. We're already looking forward to some (date unknown) return trip.

It was our 11th wedding anniversary. May has been full of wonderful celebration for us. This was no exception. We were even blessed by the driving time just to talk together or read a book (well, I read...Bill drove). I got to visit the spa, Bill played golf, and we had lots of time to discover new ways to make Zoe smile. It was her first trip away from home and she did great.

Aren't we cute? Everyone kept asking us if it was our first baby. Not quite. But nice we look young enough for them to ask! This picture was taken as we were loading the car to drive home. We had such a good time together that we didn't even take pictures.

My Birthday!

2010-05-16T20:29:00.004-04:00

Not all birthdays are worthy of blogging about...but this year was blog-worthy.
33 is a completely uneventful number - no major milestone, no cause for mid-life breakdowns, etc. But Bill really made this day awesome for me. Not only was it a gorgeous 72 degree spring day but the first half of my day was this: I got to take a walk with Zoe, have bagels with my family, see my son score 3 goals at his soccer game, have lunch topped off with a cake from the Bonbonerie (see below). YUM. And I got a little help blowing out the candles!

Bill got me a beautiful necklace... (and some new running clothes).

Then I got a little hang-out time with my boys (aren't we all cool in our shades?!). As you can also see: somewhere in here I got to shower too. And Bill made me a 2pm pedicure appointment, handed me a gift certificate and sent me out the door. I should have taken a picture of my pretty pink toenails.

This is Zoe just lookin' cute on her mama's birthday.

The day ended in a birthday date with Bill: roses and dinner at The Precinct! The Precinct has been our special place for years...we've celebrated there maybe 8-10 times for special events and we just keep going back. We had a gift certificate from Christmas and free babysitting from Grandma. Woohoo! It was one of the most fun dinners we've ever had...we just laughed and talked and enjoyed each other. Perfect end to a perfect day.

Bill really knows how to celebrate. He makes many "average days" special and special-days or holidays he usually makes amazing. He regularly brings home things like surprise carry-out dinners or flowers for me when he stops at the store. And as you can tell from my mother's day and birthday posts over the past week...he really makes holidays great. It's hard for me to put into words what this means to me. It's not about the stuff...it's about my husband being thoughtful about me, what I like and loving me in tangible ways. It's love. And it's good. :)

Today I woke up and told Andrew that my birthday was so good that I wanted today to be my birthday again. He said "ok mom - you can be 34 today." Um...nevermind! I'll wait until next year to turn 34, and just remember over and over how good my 33rd was.

They make me LAUGH

2010-05-14T20:58:00.004-04:00

My boys are hilarious. They say some of the funniest things. Sometimes they know it but most of the time, they don't. Here's a few for you to enjoy too...

"Holy one, a holy one!" (Andrew shouting as he makes a hole-in-one on Wii frisbee golf).

"Mom, I know think you're funny at that one part in our favorite song... so if you look back here, I'll laugh at you." (Thanks kid).

(While rhyming with the word "dude" aka Bill/Dad).... "I got one Mom: lewd dude!"

(After answering the door)"Who was it, bud?"... "I don't know mom -- just some white guy in long sleeves."
(Our best guess? Our neighbor Joe who has white hair).

(While attempting to swing with his grandpa and asked in the tone of a genuine question)
"Man peepa - how big is your butt?"

I'm 4 Months old!!!

2010-05-11T11:54:00.005-04:00

Our sweetie is 4 months old today. Zoe Elaine: we love you.

Being 'Mom'

2010-05-10T14:17:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I felt very celebrated by Bill and the kids. The day began with a relaxing bubble bath while the boys' went to get me Bruegger's bagels for breakfast. Then I got an orchid from each son (white from Luke, purple from Andrew) and beautiful earrings from Bill. Andrew also made me a keychain at school. Then Bill topped it off with a dinner out for the 2 of us last night. Dates are few and far-between right now so that was very special.

We also had a celebration with friends the night before: BFD - breakfast for dinner...done by all the men; complete with flowers for all 3 moms and personalized cards with quotes from our kids (thanks to the talented David Valentine!). Kelly, Lori and I sat in the living room on baby-duty while the big kids played and the dads made dinner. I think we actually completed at least one conversation.

All this luxurious celebration made me feel so grateful and loved. And I certainly spent the days thinking of all the amazing things it means to be a mother. I love my kids fiercely. Nothing I've ever done has changed me more than becoming a mom. Each time. And the cumulative effect of 3 children has left me softer, more patient, less concerned about my own rights, more able to love and be loved, much more willing to live in-the-moment and above all else, much closer to God and to Bill.
I cannot imagine what it would be like to rewind and not have my babies. Impossible. I have many moments where it brings out my flaws in living-color and leaves me with dirty hands or jeans, frustrated, disappointed or beating myself up for losing it over a little thing.
But overall, this process of being a mom is saving me. As my friend Steven once said...I should thank God for saving "my blind lost ass" and for saving me again and again through the process of being a mother. I am saved from my selfishness, my ambition, my fears, my self-hatred, my tendency to desire isolation, my insecurities, my difficulty receiving affection and a desire to control my own life. Any or all of these things would lead to my destruction if left unattended.

But being a mom creates situations every day that make it impossible for me to stand still in these things... 3 little people that God has brought to me to love, shepherd and nuture. Three little people who need me to love, to find community, to give and get hugs and kisses, to like myself, to give up my own plans. And my fierce love for them drives me directly into the heart of all the crap (listed above) with a pure motivation not to put it on them: to be free to just love them and ENJOY them. God won't let me be happy with less than that.
Like I said...being a mom is saving me over and over every day.

Superheros and a Pretty Girl

2010-04-30T20:38:00.003-04:00

These were taken today...my superheros and my pretty girl.

I bought these capes for the boys at Christmas off the website http://www.etsy.com/. If you haven't been there - go now! Superheros are finally catching on here at the Pattersons. (I thought it was a great gift and they've just been hanging on the back of their doorknobs for 5 months).

And Zoe was wearing my favorite shirt today. (Maybe it's because you don't see babies in black very much but I just think she looks adorable!). This photo was taken just a couple hours before it came off in a huge blowout-situation.

Just a Friday and some cute kids.

Daddy's Girl

2010-04-27T14:35:00.003-04:00

As I type I am holding Zoe in my lap, and she is wearing a shirt that says "I love being Daddy's girl." Bill slipped it into a pile of summer clothes we were buying for the kids at Children's Place last week. He showed it to me when we got home and said he wanted her to have it. How sweet is that?!

Zoe loves when her dad holds her and soothes her down to sleep. She has always smiled BIG for Bill. And now she's loving some playtime with daddy too. Here are a few snapshots of Daddy and his girl. So sweet. This guy is good.

Who are these people?!

2010-04-24T13:24:00.006-04:00

Pop culture. It's never been my thing. I worked in Beauty Care at P&G years ago and this is when it first came to light... I was actually chastised by my boss for not caring enough about popular trends and celebrities. I found myself disliking the "cool brands" and rooting for the simpler ones not sold by over-the-top beauty or the celebrity with the best hair.

Although I certainly can't deny I like to look up-to-date; I like to dress from the same stores that you like (Gap, Banana, White House Black Market, Dillards, whatever) and I'm not immune to the effects of pop culture upon me.... I just simply don't CARE about it much. That's what I tried to tell my boss... "I can't make myself care about something that I just...don't." She wasn't impressed and decided to send me to our PR firm for a crash-course in "what's cool." I quit before she got the chance.

I had a recent incident where I heard the name "Randy Jackson" yet saw a picture in my head of Randy TRAVIS. (My country music days returning to bite me in the butt). I've had many similar incidents over the years: asking a friend about some band that sang a hit song called "Hey ya" that I'd never heard. I'm sitting here remembering my Aunt MaryLee asking me once "what's a Bon Jovi?" I'd ask that now. If you quizzed me on celebrity faces, the only ones I MIGHT know are those who have appeared on American Idol lately. Although clearly this isn't the key, as poor Randy Jackson has still fallen prey to my pop culture faux-pas.

This also extends into the world of music, especially...and it's associated technologies: IPODS (just learned I have an Ipod that is 4 "generations" old), current stereo systems, popular radio stations, etc. I'm not sure why the music world is hit especially hard by this (and I do love to listen to music) but it seems to be a place where celebrity and up-to-the-minute culture is of critical importance. That's where I'm lost.

I'm not embarrased by this. I don't think it's a bad thing. Actually, I think it's great and often very amusing. I now know and accept that this has nothing to do with being relevant to people... it's actually a way that God has put me together. I think it makes life a little simpler and less crowded by people that I'll never meet and never know. And I hope that it makes me a little less part of the worldly culture around me. A friend recently suggested that I should be embarrassed by this. But I'm ok with staying a few steps further away from bad trends and bad boob jobs. I think I'm probably better off for it!

Family Pictures!

2010-04-18T18:32:00.006-04:00

Do you have a favorite?!

Walking in the woods

2010-04-16T11:07:00.004-04:00

Each day's schedule is quite different right now for me and the boys. This morning Zoe woke up just before 9am. I was thinking of what I could take them all out to do for a while and it hit me "Withrow Nature Preserve." This is an amazing nature-preserve not 3 minutes from our neighborhood. I don't know why I had that idea this particular morning...or maybe I do.

It was such a blessing...I took all 3 kids, popped Zoe in the Baby Bjorn and we took the 1/2 mile trail through beautiful woods on a breezy, warm morning. Then we played hide and seek in the gardens by the house and made our way back to the car. All in all, only about 45 minutes. It was perfect.

When I was walking on the trail watching my boys get excited about the trees and squirrels, I got tears in my eyes and realized that God knew exactly what activity would bless me and be fun for my kids. I love the outdoors, the woods - and I want my kids to love it too. I always feel God's Spirit heavily in these particular woods...and this time was no different. It was perfect.

Easter weekend in pictures

2010-04-05T16:44:00.006-04:00

Easter has evolved into my favorite holiday. We always end up with our friends, it's springtime and it's just a sweet time to celebrate. This year, Easter and Bill's birthday were on the same day! On Saturday we went to Crossroads and had an egg hunt with the Little family...(pictures on that to come). Sunday was the big day. And it was a great one. First we...

Had our own Easter egg hunt and baskets

Opened presents for Bill's birthday ("hi daddy" love Zoe)

Made a homemade cake for daddy with plenty of finger-licking!

The sprinkles got a little crazy.

Then we headed over to the Valentines for yet another egg hunt.

And the kids got a tractor ride to top it off. That DVal knows how to party.

A weekend of celebration!!

Give Him something to work with

2010-03-31T09:34:00.005-04:00

Lately I've thought a lot about my dream of studying and teaching. I dream that someday I will have all the time in the world to pursue study of what I care about the most: God and His Word. And that it will somehow lead me into more teaching in different contexts. I hope this period of study includes book study and intensive people-time as well. I hope to have many teachers revealed in my life and learn much. I don't know whether this includes a traditional classroom or not. We'll see. But my brain and my spirit longs for this. I believe that God has not only planted this dream in me but that He has given me encouragement of it and a few early opportunities to explore it.

About 2 weeks ago I began reading a book on church history - "Church History in Plain Language." It's been on my shelf for a while and I just kept looking at it. I believe that me choosing to read this; choosing to engage in my dream...it's telling God that I'll give it whatever I've got to give. Which, right now, is a few nap-times per week to read and study it. This is absolutely part of my dream. And, while it seems small, sends God (I hope!) a message that I want Him to continue to help me on the path to my dreams. I want to give God something to work with instead of waiting for Him to drop my dreams in my lap. I'll take some steps and believe that His Grace will open doors and provide a level path. I'm betting the rest of my life on it, actually. And I believe that's a safe bet.

We love Love!

2010-03-27T11:33:00.004-04:00

We are a very affectionate family. Andrew usually gives his friends hugs and kisses when he leaves them at school or the playground. Luke got on the phone the other day with a friend of Bill's and said "I love you!"
Love is our biggest goal as parents: we certainly try to make sure our kids do not go a day without receiving our love to the fullest (some days are better than others of course!). We think this includes "I love yous" and hugs and kisses (our favorites!). But also takes the form of playing together, discipline, encouragement, teaching, praying for them and just listening. The biggest parenting challenges for us, so far, are usually around this question: "what exactly IS love right NOW?"
I'm guessing that's probably always going to be the case. And I think the only one with that information is God...so I try to ask him as much as possible instead of relying on my own, lesser version of love. He knows the real deal and He's sharing with people who ask! So - I'm trying to ask Him more how to Love my kids.

Today, however, it was pretty clear: love = hugs and kisses!

Dream about Grace

2010-03-25T13:25:00.003-04:00

So I had this dream the other night:

I'm in a downtown area, walking back to my hotel. In the dream my view is through my own eyes...and I can barely see. I can make out hazy blacks and grays but not much else. I felt helpless and was trying hard to see when I just couldn't. I then enter an area that, as best I can describe, would be a maze-like downtown "skywalk" that connected buildings in a downtown area. I am definitely becoming lost. I'm in an area between 2 hotels and pass some hotel workers. I can see a little more clearly inside than I could outside. One of the workers is nice to me and agrees to show me back through the maze to my hotel room. I feel grateful. And in the background of the dream, this whole time, these words to Amazing Grace are being sung throughout this dream:
"Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found: was blind but now I see.
Through many dangers, toils and snares we have already come. But He has brought me safe thus far and grace will lead me home."

Thoughts anyone?

I'm 9 weeks old!

2010-03-15T11:55:00.008-04:00

UPDATE!!
2 month check-up stats (from Wed March 17):

13 lbs, 3 oz (90th percentile)
23 1/2 inches (85th percentile) This girl loves to grow!!

Today (Monday March 15th) my Zoe is 9 weeks old! She's growing all the time: she is wearing 3 month clothes. She has already flipped over from her belly to her back! She is now going to bed at 830pm (ish) and only waking once to eat during the night. She gives her best and biggest smiles to her daddy. And she's tolerant of all the big love, hugs and kisses that she gets from her brothers. My baby is growing up already!
Here are some other recent snapshots of my cutie pie...

THE toy

2010-03-04T14:02:00.007-05:00

All my kids have played on our infant play-mat thing-y. That is the official name, I believe. But it deserves a post not only because of its longevity, usefulness and fun, but also because of its most recent occupant. Zoe is now getting to play with her first "toy!"

As you can see, she had some company (and wasn't so happy about it!).

They soon took over.

And here is Andrew playing on it 4 years ago...

And then there was Luke 2 years ago....

All hail the very few, select toys that all the kids have liked and played on. (And that still aren't broken!) Best $60 bucks we ever had someone else spend. :-)

Family Update

2010-02-27T08:54:00.003-05:00

Well, it's been almost 7 weeks now since Zoe was born - wow! We're surviving this very snowy February and ready to get outdoors. The boys have been awesome during this more home-bound month and I couldn't ask for more from them.

Zoe is eating and sleeping very well these days (and getting cuter by the day!).

And I have learned how to take them all out for (short) outings to friend's houses or Crossroads or someplace where we all feel comfortable. Bill is extremely busy at work (blessing and also tiring!) and the firm is doing quite well these days. But he says his favorite place is right here cuddling his kids...

We've had so much love from friends and family - grandma visits, meals at least 3x/week, lots and lots of baby gifts from family, friends, co-workers of Bill's...the love has continued well beyond when we expected it to end! We are all so grateful for this help and support and blessing.

Right now, Bill and I are doing a 6 week series through Crossroads called "Free." It promises to be a great series with our group of friends and for our own relationships to God. (The materials are free - let me know if you want them!).

I've hit the highlights for February... here's to hoping March brings good weather with lots of outside walks and maybe even a few dinners out with just me and Bill for some much-needed adult conversation! Oh - and I forgot my major accomplishment - a few hours away for haircut and highlights!

Beauty, flowers and dads

2010-02-22T15:28:00.004-05:00

I love flowers. My husband knows this and brings them to me often for no reason at all. I don't know when this love of flowers began, or maybe it's been there all along. Or perhaps I just needed someone to begin bringing them to me before I realized how much I really loved them.

My friends now know that, when we throw a party or baby shower (which we throw a LOT!), I would be happy to do the flowers. Arranging them is the best part. I love sorting through the colors and varities looking for just the right matches to put in bouquets. Putting them in stem-by-stem to achieve something greater than the sum of its parts. Something beautiful that I made. If I ever arrange flowers and give them to you, it is most definitely an act of both creative expression and love.

I used to think that this was a random, quirky thing about me. Until one day I told my mom on the phone that I was arranging flowers for a friend's baby shower and loving it. She said in response..."oh you and your father!" I stopped dead in my tracks. "What did you say?" I asked her. She said "You know your dad loves arranging flowers too." I said "No - I didn't know that." We didn't say too much more about it but I now know this is something that I share with my dad. A simple act of creativity and beauty and balance that we both enjoy.

I love that my dad and I are put together in similar ways - otherwise, could you possibly explain this random quirk that we share? I was thrilled to discover that I shared this with my dad. I felt like God let me in on a little secret...something he planted in both of us that few people ever will know about either one of us...but something shared between us.

Notes to Self

2010-02-18T13:46:00.003-05:00

I'm shamelessly and semi-publicly ripping off a blog post from my friend Amy's blog (see "Deep Roots" blog link on lower left...that's her!). I know she won't mind. She posted a few days ago about a notebook she keeps around her to write "notes to self." For some reason, this really struck me. Not only did I have a good laugh: at hers and mine... but also it seemed like an excellent way to capture small realizations we have throughout our days.

God gives us language and words primarily to CREATE stuff. And I know from experience that when I write something down or log something (such as miles of runs for marathons) that things come alive as they weren't previous to words-on-paper. This is also why I love to write. And so, therefore, I thought when I read Amy's post "what a GREAT way to make things REAL that otherwise would just be in my head." Pretty much the essence of this whole darn blog but in a little, condensed, daily way. Love it.

So, here's my notes to self today... and I plan to send Amy my notes-to-self often as a way for us to keep in step with each other's hearts and minds from an ocean away...

Notes to Self on Thursday Feb 18:

Not eating bread sucks but go look at the picture of myself in the Bahamas when my flesh is yelling at me. Or pray. I guess that'd be good too. :-)

Books about how to get your baby to sleep better produce more stress than a baby who doesn't want to go to sleep.

My cats are a nuisance: keep devising schemes to get rid of them.

It's no big deal not to wash my hair for a day.

Talk to God about what I want to study and learn.

Please, share yours!

Brotherly Love

2010-02-09T13:37:00.003-05:00

Since I've been attentive to the blessings in my life lately, I couldn't escape a focus on our biggest one: Andrew and Luke receiving Zoe with love and acceptance! I prayed for the boys to experience unity and friendship during this time and also prayed for their hearts to be prepared for another child in the family. It seems that God has answered both of those prayers with a great big smile. We couldn't be happier about how the boys love Zoe and how well they play with one another during all these long days in the house. These 2 things make day-to-day life SOOOOOOO much more fun and light.

Each time Zoe is awake, Andrew wants to hold her or cuddle her or just "see her eyes" (which I guess are rarely seen with all her sleeping!). Luke is now his sweet-natured, lovable self with Zoe and often declares that she is "so sweet" (I agree) and is always asking "where's baby Zoe?"

These are a few snapshots of Zoe at 4 weeks old (yesterday!) with her brothers. The small ball next to her in the photo below was a generous gift from Andrew. (Although he gifted Luke's ball!).

We love these three. And we thank God for the blessing of brotherly love and sibling unity.

Isaiah 40

2010-02-07T08:31:00.004-05:00

I've been reading Isaiah chapter 40 for several days in a row. I wouldn't call it "studying" this passage - just feeling drawn to it. I'm just processing here the few things that are sticking out to me in this chapter. Please feel free to add your 2-cents about any of it...

Verses 3-5: This is the well-known passage that gets repeated by John the Baptist later in the NT. "A voice of one calling: in the desert prepare the way for the Lord..." I am noticing that the place where we prepare for the Lord, according to this passage, is in the DESERT and WILDERNESS. The things that happen in this place are making level ground for God to be revealed.

V 11: "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart: he gently leads those that have young." God has a gentle character that is especially attentive to the young, new and defenseless. And he expresses that same character towards those caring for the young. I certainly have young!

V 12 - 26: The bulk of the chapter is spent upon who GOD is: bigger and more powerful, mysterious, knowledgable and unique than we can ever fathom Him to be. This leads into the next section of personal interest for me....

v 27 - 31: This section is about how God sees everything - no person or cause is forgotten by him. And those that he helps are WEAK and WEARY (i.e. those in the desert/wilderness!!). I tend to think that my causes are so small or that God is sometimes disinterested in me when I don't see/feel Him for a while. And this tells me that cannot be so. That IS NOT the case.

So today I am taking away from Isaiah 40 for me:

That I'm in some kind of desert right now and therefore am being prepared for God's glory to be seen in my life in a new way in the future.
That God is gently leading me - right now, He is treating me with some extra TLC. His heart is towards me.
God is bigger than I can ever fathom. It'd do me good to bathe myself in scripture about this particular aspect of His nature. (Any suggestions?)
That I need to repent for ever thinking that God isn't interested in my life and concerns!
That when I feel weary or weak or inadequate is when he can give me the most, so I should embrace anytime or way I feel weak and ask for more of God in that area.

Just us girls.

2010-02-05T17:07:00.003-05:00

Me and Zoe. I just realized that since the day of her birth, I don't have any pictures of just us! So here's one I like where we are looking at each other. I am getting to know my little girl these days. I'm trying to pay attention to the little things that make her, her! She's a fairly quiet baby. She needs me to be attentive to when she needs to sleep! If I miss her window, she'll let me know about it. She is a good eater - not an overeater like both of her brothers tended to be. :-) And she sure looks good in all those sweet little-girl clothes I've got!

My Three

2010-01-28T19:46:00.004-05:00

I always thought that growing up in a family with three kids (as opposed to the 2 kids that most of my friends' families had) that our house felt busier, more fun and definitely just like a "bigger family." I loved my big brothers and loved the excitement of their activities and lives as much as I liked my own. It all contributed to a great big family feeling.

So as I look at pictures of my own 3 kids, I get excited for them (and for me and Bill) that hopefully they will end up feeling the same way about growing up in a bigger family. Even more so than my own family-of-origin because our kids are all 3 so close together in age.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm a big fan of the Duggar family from the TLC show "19 Kids and Counting." I've noticed that there are virtues born and grown in big families that just aren't available to small families. This family happens to share some of my beliefs and values, which of course, makes me partial to liking them - however, there are some things that are simply a function of family-size that are apparent to me from watching this show.

Now I don't know if I'm up for 19 children but I am interested in knowing how their family works. I'd love to visit them - anyone with me?

We may not be on our way to 19 but I do love looking at my 3!

My Zoe Girl

2010-01-22T16:00:00.004-05:00

Zoe is adjusting well to life in the Patterson-family. And we like her a lot! Andrew says "mom - we get to keep her, right?" He's in love. And so am I. Here are some pictures of my Zoe from the past few days. And yes, the shirt she's wearing says "Mommy Adores Me." I guess Dora knew how I'd feel since she just had a daughter of her own! Indeed I do.

Zoe is here!

2010-01-14T12:55:00.009-05:00

Our beautiful baby girl arrived in dramatic fashion on Monday night. We are so so happy to have her with us. Here's how her birthday progressed until she arrived....

I woke up with a few hours of contractions beginning around 345am. These contractions were noticeable but not too painful and about 10-13 minutes apart. So we knew we had a little time.

As I took a bath I started to hear over and over again in my head "This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!" Later I opened my bible to the EXACT page where that psalm was to be found: Psalm 118:24. I knew God had plans for our day and that my job was to be glad and to trust Him.

Around 930am the contractions had all but disappeared. So I told Bill he should go to work and we'd just see how the day progressed. Mid-day I felt a lot of cramping and pressure but no real contractions anymore. Krissy gave me a good word that continual progress toward birth didn't mean consistent and she felt that God knew exactly how my body needed to prepare. Ok great!

430pm - I call Bill and tell him to come home: contractions back and definitely real.

530pm - I start timing them and quickly jump from 10 minutes apart to 6-7 min apart.

6pm - Call doctor and she tells us to go ahead and get to the hospital.

7pm - Pull into Christ Hospital and contractions are now 4-5 minutes apart and gettin' rough.

730pm - We get assigned a room and are still in our own clothes. I'm getting anxious because I know how the processes work (get changed, answer questions, get an IV, get checked, call doctor, etc) but something inside tells me that it isn't going to go that way. Contractions are VERY big and hard now and maybe 2 minutes apart at most. I'm hurtin' right now. Lots.

745pm - Nurse finally checks me for the first time and reports that I'm a "good 8cm" and everyone goes into higher gear. They're firing questions at us, Bill is answering for me because I can't focus on anything at this point. Nurse calls doctor AT HOME to come in for the birth. We all know there's no way she'll make it.

I start saying/yelling "I feel the baby" "This baby's head is right there." "I have to push" - stuff like that. And I'm wondering if anyone believes me! The Resident on call shows up and tells me she's going to "catch my baby" since my doctor isn't here.

I think I scream a couple times at this point and Zoe is pushing her own way out now...I just need to get on board. Which I wasn't entirely...but really had no choice!

Irony here? We had decided we'd go ahead and have another epidural for this birth. A while ago the discussion about going natural had surfaced. I had seriously believed that perhaps God had that in mind for this birth. However, Bill and I had never reached that decision together and we agreed again in the car that we'd go ahead and get an epidural. I now know that God had other plans.

One of the beautiful things about this fast and hard birth was that I realized the ONLY person that comforted me in any way was Bill. I got scared when I realized what was going to happen. And through every contraction and every second I could have cared less about the doctor -- I just wanted Bill. He was my only comfort.

And so out came our baby girl at 756pm right in the midst of all this. She wanted out. She wanted life. NOW. And so she came.

I was stunned, amazed, grateful it was over so fast, speechless at the circumstances....I just kept staring at her in wonderment that she was already on my chest. I kept asking Bill what had just happened and we were both just speechless in amazement. We've talked it over again and again and still can't quite figure out what happened those last 15 minutes.

I guess God had a plan for this day. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Our baby girl Zoe Elaine (which means "life and light") was born at 8lbs 4oz, 21 inches long at 756pm with no OB doc in the room. Just perfect for all of us.

We didn't name her until about 20 minutes after she was born. Bill and I both felt strongly that this was her name and hoping the other agreed. We believe our unity around her name was endorsement from God that it's the right one for her! So welcome our little bundle of life and light with us - and rejoice!

Egg McMuffin Love

2010-01-10T08:50:00.002-05:00

My husband really is amazing. Last night I happened to mention off-hand that it had been forever since I'd eaten an Egg McMuffin. It just sounded good. This morning he came downstairs dressed and said he'd be back in 10 minutes. He returned with an Egg McMuffin for me. He does these little things that make me grateful and amazed at the little ways he loves me. Egg McMuffins are a sure sign of love.

I couldn't resist taking a few bites before I took the picture! Mmmmmm.

Last Family-of-4 Photo

2010-01-03T21:06:00.006-05:00

I think it's nice to record some family history along the way...so here is what I imagine will be our last picture as a family of four. This was taken on Saturday January 2, 2010.

We've had a great holiday time and glad we've made it through the new year, taken down the decorations and done all the final preparations for our daughter to arrive. Now we are just waiting for her to come and meet us! We love her already. Every day Andrew gives her hugs and kisses and tells her to come and see us. Luke isn't as sure....sometimes it's yes and sometimes he says "not right now!"

Today I spent the day organizing: disassembling the diaper cake from my party, putting new toys away, throwing away old things, putting boys clothes in storage containers and even a trip to IKEA for some storage units that I'm sure won't get put together for another few weeks. Maybe Papa will do it when he comes! But I just need all those final little things to be in place. Now! :-)

A promise for us.

2009-12-22T19:36:00.002-05:00

I ran across this verse in Isaiah a few months ago and have felt the past 2 weeks that God has really put it on my heart to memorize and keep these as a promise for the delivery of our baby.

Isaiah 66:9
"Do I bring to the moment of birth
and not give delivery?" says the LORD.
"Do I close up the womb
when I bring to delivery?" says your God.

We have had beautiful experiences delivering both of our babies. But I would definitely say that the pushing-phase of delivery has been frustrating and difficult for both. Both pushing experiences have lasted approximately 2 hours (Andrew a little less, Luke a little more) with Luke being face-up and very difficult to get out.

So anyway.... I think that God wants me to just believe that He is the One Who Delivers these babies. And it's in His time and His way.
Agree with us on this and please pray that we would just trust Him to bring our baby girl out when the moment is right...no excessive "trying," no frustration...just patience and trust.

The wisdom in Proverbs

2009-12-05T08:01:00.003-05:00

I'd read the book of Proverbs several times in the past and many times gone searching there for specific understanding...but never has Proverbs spoken to me so deeply as in the past couple months. I'm on my second straight pass through it - a chapter a day with a weekly memory verse.
I can't explain this except to say that different scripture just comes alive at different times based upon what God is interested in saying to me (or us). I think He is desiring a building up and deeper understanding of His wisdom at the present time.

I couldn't help but be struck by all the commands in Proverbs to "keep his knowledge in your heart" "carry his commands with you" and to have access to this knowledge at all times. So I've decided that absolutely means committing it to memory and having it just written on my heart. This way God can dig it up and speak it back to me whenever he wants to.

So if you're reading this, I'd encourage to be reading and memorizing some Proverbs that speak to you. Here are mine of late:

Proverbs 3:25-26 "Have no fear of sudden disaster or the ruin that overtakes the wicked. For the Lord is your confidence and He will keep your foot from being snared."

Proverbs 6:23 "For these commands are a lamp and this teaching a light and the corrections of discipline are the way to life."

Proverbs 16:32 "Better to be patient than powerful and better to have self-control than to conquer a city."

Proverbs 21:21 "He who pursues righteousness and love will find life, prosperity and honor."

Proverbs 28:13 "He who conceals his sins will not prosper but he who confesses and renounces them will find mercy."

Tuesdays

2009-11-12T12:43:00.003-05:00

Has it really been 30 more days in my pregnancy that have gone by? I can't believe it. Anyway - next post was going to be about Tuesdays....

On Tuesdays we have "friend time." It goes like this: we say a prayer and talk about which friend is coming to our minds. Sometimes Andrew and I agree on one friend and sometimes we each do a different friend. Then, we decide what to do to LOVE THEM. We ask Jesus how we might be able to love them today. And then we do it. And we follow it through until it's finished. Here are a few that we've done:

Baked our favorite neighbor some cinnamon muffins and hand-delivered them. Warm.
Painted pictures with stickers for Uncle John and Matt, written them a note about why we love them and taken it straight to the post office.
Gone to the store, bought a little outfit for our friend's new baby boy and taken it over.
Painted pictures for our friend/neighbor girl and on each page we wrote a word that reminds us of her "Loving" "Fashionable" "Sweet" "Gentle" - stuff like that.
Fulfilled a commitment to a friend that I'd long ago needed to follow through on.
Baked cookies to say thank-you to someone who was good to us.
Made up a Halloween treat bag for someone that mommy doesn't really like and talked about how Jesus says that we return good to someone even when they treat us poorly. And how that changes our heart toward them. And it has.

This has been really fun for us to do together. It's gotten us thinking of other people. It's been a way that I can teach my boys how to actively love someone.

I've noticed that there is often resistance inside me to this... lack of desire to follow-through, thoughts that come into my mind that I'm just trying to be a "do-gooder" and this doesn't mean anything and just general apathy sometimes. But these, of course, are lies. Lies I believe are meant to keep us from doing these tiny things to change our own hearts, practice love and plant seeds of it in the lives of others.

Tuesdays are cool.

Livin' each day

2009-10-19T14:04:00.005-04:00

I started titling this entry but couldn't come up with the right words...so whatever it says now I came up with after I got out my thoughts...

About 6 weeks ago I wrote out a weekday schedule for me and the boys. I explained to them that schedules could be changed but that they were there to keep up focused on what we think is most important to do during our days. Here's Monday for an example:

Monday:

930am Learning Time

1030am Music Class

1130am Lunch and play

130pm Naps

330pm See a friend or run errands

I realized this is important for me and the boys for 2 main reasons:

1) Sanity.

2) Putting my values into action

Sanity. Important. I need some structure. I get very down when I wake up every morning thinking 'what the hell am I going to do all day long?' Even if its a simple outline of a plan, it helps my mental state. It also lets the boys know "there is something bigger going on in this house than what you want at any given moment." Now I also change things sometimes and Andrew is beginning to understand that sometimes we have opportunities that are absolutely worth throwing the schedule out the window in order to pursue. And we do. But that's the exception.

Putting my values into action.... Here's what I mean. I realized that there is a list of things I place value on for me and my kids. Many of these were flying under my radar. If they didn't happen, I'd get restless or irritated. It was important to get this stuff out on a piece of paper so I could talk to Bill and we could say "yes that is important" or "no - let that one go...not now." Here are a few in no particular order:

1) Loving our friends in action

2) Playing outside

3) Learning how to swim

4) Being in environments around other children

5) Learning to read and loving books

6) Having experiences together- getting out and about to see new things

7) Mom getting to exercise regularly

8) Cooking meals and keeping our home running smoothly

9) Having unstructured time (irony? I think so) to play together as brothers

So I listed out what these were and they have found their way into our schedule in a structured way. This is to make sure that I am acutally living out what I think is important in how I spend our time together and how I prioritize what happens each day. It's helped me to paint a picture of my week with purpose. This way I don't lose sight of why I stay home with them and what all these small things are really about. Otherwise when I'm chasing Luke around while Andrew is in his swim lesson, I could start to think it's not all worth it. And then I remember - "oh yeah -- it's really important to me that he learns how to swim at a young age...so it's worth a sacrifice for Luke for 30 minutes."

In my next entry I am going to tell you about what we do on Tuesdays. It's fast become my favorite thing. And it's definitely come under some resistance (not from the kids -- from me!). But it's my favorite. More to come on that.

I've never had trouble adopting discipline or routine. But the longer I stay home with little ones who aren't yet in school, the more I realize that it's ME who needs to infuse the structure into our days according to what Bill and I value for our family. Livin' out what we think is important each day - even if it's super simple.

99 Days to Go!

2009-10-08T14:14:00.003-04:00

For some reason, it seems note-worthy to say that we have less than 100 days to go before meeting our baby girl....and today my countdown above says we have 99 days to go!

Some of you are asking if we have a name. No we don't. We have 3-5 names we keep playing around with. They are mostly based upon things we feel about this baby. Here's a few:

We think this baby girl is going to bring our family LIGHT. As we've prayed for her, it's just a theme in scripture that we keep seeing. Here are a few to share:
Isaiah 60:19
"The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you. For the Lord will be your everlasting Light, and your God will be your glory."

Ephesians 5:8-14 ish
"...now you are light in the Lord: live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them...everything exposed by the light becomes visible for it is light that makes everything visible."

So we think our girl is a bearer of light from God...this is based entirely on what we hear in prayer. We believe that she will usher in more of God's goodness and righteousness with her light. She'll clarify and illuminate truth. This leads us to look for some names that mean light/torch/brightness/goodness/truth but so far, we have yet to settle on a favorite.

Other than names, we're feeling excited...getting rooms ready, picking out girly clothes and just generally preparing our home. I feel good - just a few minor pains pop up when I exercise. She moves around a LOT!

If you want to pray for us, you can pray for these things:

That God would tell us her name.
That our family and our marriage would be unified by her arrival.
That our delivery experience will be beautiful: that I will go into labor naturally, progress well and push for less than 15 minutes.
That she will be completely healthy, strong and peaceful.
That our breastfeeding connection will be strong and immediate.
That our doctor and nurses will be the right team to care for us in the hospital and that, if possible, our desire is for Dr Fitzgerald or Dr Wendel to deliver us.
That our boys will welcome and love their baby sister. That their friendship as brothers will grow during this time.
That no isolation or despair will try to settle on us in the first few months of her life when things are tough and adjustments are being made. That instead, as we feel God has promised, this time will be filled with LIGHT, community and love.

Thanks for all your prayers for our baby girl. 99 days to go.

Final Reflections on my Garden

2009-10-07T13:45:00.004-04:00

As I've mulled over the gardening experience I did (or rather did NOT) have this year, I've come to realize something that I think God has now taught me... I don't inherently possess faithfulness. Faithfulness - I mean GOD'S kind of faithfulness - must be instilled in us through our relationship to him. Let me explain.

The garden began pretty well - decent seedlings that got planted in the ground, tomato plants that looked promising, etc... but as I surveyed the rest of the gardening process, I realized that I just simply lacked faithfulness to follow it through to the end. Here were some not-so-subtle examples:

I bought the stakes to put around the tomato plants, but never cut and actually used them.

I never fertilized even when I knew it would benefit the plants.

I didn't use the compost pile that was in my back woods to nourish them.

I did water but in a pretty disinterested way -- turn on the sprinkler, hope it gets them wet.

I had Irish Spring soap to cut up and sprinkle (to fend off the deer) but never used it so they ate the stalks of corn that grew.

I'm sure there are more but you're getting the picture. I just didn't care that much. I wasn't very faithful to my garden. And I'll tell you why: I'm not faithful on my own. I don't have it in me.

I began thinking about faithfulness. Jesus actually says that if we are faithful with a little, we'll be given much more. I was considering what I attempted with my garden as fairly modest/small, but actually - it was big. At least for me in an area where faithfulness hasn't grown.

Small would have been more appropriate for me. One or two tomato plants, perhaps. The thought of nurturing a whole garden was simply too much for me.

It's God's plan to build faithfulness for our sake. If we are faithful with something small, then we will learn to be faithful with bigger things. If we see the fruit in something small, we will be motivated to be faithful and believe in the fruit of bigger things to come.

I was thinking and thinking of that scripture and suddenly realized that I'd always viewed it as a test. "If you do this good and prove yourself, then I can give you more" says God. NO! God isn't testing my performance...he's growing my faithfulness. He can get the results without me, but He'd like my heart to grow more like His in the process.

I was feeling bummed about even the possibility of attempting another garden next year...just not very interested and wondering why God would tell me (which I KNEW He DID) to start a garden when I clearly sucked at it and barely liked it.

Now that I see my garden can shrink to the size of one potted tomato plant, I'm a little more willing. And I bet it yields more than the 20 green, inedible tomatos I got this year.

If we are faithful with a little, we'll be given a lot. Not because we've proven ourselves in a test of a capricious, judgmental God but because we've grown faithfulness and our hearts are looking more like His.

One or two tomato plants: I think I can handle that. I think.

(PS - that picture is what I hope to see next year: not one of my actual plants!)

Lessons by Andrew

2009-09-20T18:40:00.002-04:00

Twice in the past week I have had poignant reminders about truth from my 3 year old. I love the age he's coming to where (some) things are starting to sink in...

We were filling out a personal page for his preschool class book and the last question to him was "Why are you special?" I asked him and immediately began thinking of the million things that make my boy special. He just looked at me and said "Because God made me that way."

Just today we were watching an airplane out the car window and I said "so buddy - do you think you might want to be a pilot someday?" And he said back to me "No mommy - I just want to be your kid. And Daddy's."

I love hearing the truth come out of him. These 2 instances reminded me just how simple we're allowed to be.

What Kids Know

2009-09-03T14:49:00.002-04:00

So this is part 2 to our "it's a girl" story.

About a week before our sonogram, Andrew began telling people it's a girl. It wasn't as if he was saying he really wanted a baby sister or was desiring it himself...he just stated it as fact.

Bill said to me later that week that he now thought Andrew knew something and would be surprised if it were a boy (after previously thinking it was a boy).

I didn't know what to think except I'd had dreams in the past (none recent) about having a baby girl - even when I was pregnant with Luke. So I just told God that I trusted him to construct our family in the best and most joyful way for us.

We walked into the room and the ultrasound tech asked me if I thought I knew what it was. I told her no, but my 3-year-old kept saying it was a girl. And here's what she said....

"I've been doing this for 20 years and anytime a little child walks in my room with a strong conviction about the sex: I think about 90% of the time they are correct.""

What?!?? Did I hear her right? Approximately 90% of kids who THINK they know; DO KNOW.

This just reinforced what I already believed...children are clearer vessels to have discernment from God and hear the voice of God. This was just one small crazy example. I love it.

It's a GIRL!!!

2009-09-02T18:31:00.002-04:00

Bill and I have a tradition. All 3 pregnancies we have sealed the results of our ultrasounds in an envelope and gone out to dinner that evening to open it together and celebrate. This one was a jaw-dropper. We're having a girl!

We went to the Precinct and brought the envelope. As Bill opened it and looked, he said "Alli - seriously - it's just the picture from the ultrasound...it doesn't say boy or girl and I can't tell." My heart dropped at the thought of having to call the office the next day to find out. He wasn't kidding. But as I took the picture that the tech had sealed in the envelope I noticed right there, typed directly into the photo by her was the word GIRL with !!!!!!!! after it.

It's taken us a couple days to let it sink in that we are actually having a beautiful, girly little girl. And we can't wait. I'm looking for pink things already and couldn't wait to go out the next day and buy the baby something sweet. I didn't find anything I liked but Andrew did pick out a pink sleeper with the word "Love" on the front as his gift to baby girl.

More in another posting on what we feel like God is telling us already about our baby girl. We want that to lead us to a name but so far, we're all over the map. No front-runners.

Right now, I just keep smiling to myself thinking "I get to have a girl."

Together-ness

2009-08-26T18:32:00.002-04:00

Today I was thinking to myself "I wish Krissy was here right now." And I wasn't doing anything special...just watching my boys play in the hose on the driveway. And wishing for togetherness with my friend. So - I did the next best thing and called her instead.

This happens to me a lot. I go about my days and weeks and meet up with friends when it works out (less than I'd like), but in myself I find a longing. It's not loneliness (usually). It's simply a longing to share my life with my friends. And sometimes it's just the fatigue of being alone.

This morning my 'Wednesday sitter' Amanda got sick and cancelled. It's certainly best for everyone that she rest and get well. But it suddenly changed my day. And the thing that salvaged my morning was getting to meet my friend Susan at storytime with our kids. Now there was no significant conversation between us while we chased our kids around the Blue Manatee, but somehow it's just better being together.

Even on vacation I found myself in the peace of the dude-ranch longing to share this off-beat place with our friends and their kids: wanting them with us.

I just looked up "together" in the Bible and focused on the NT...and found some interesting things even just researching where that word pops up. Things happen spiritually when we are simply "together." The bible says we are encouraged, we are bound in love, we are held together in unity, we grasp the love of Jesus more, we become holy, we understand the Lord's Word and we have more joy.

In short, it seems that being together is our natural state and being apart is the strange, unnatural place to be.
I'm not feeling discouraged or lonely -- I just think the Lord wants me to notice how much I long to be together with others. And He's in my ears saying "yep - that's how it's supposed to be."

"Most Lovable"

2009-08-06T22:46:00.002-04:00

Today I picked up Andrew from a morning at the Healthplex Kids Sports Camp. It was all about learning new sports. They made the kids medals that were hanging around their necks. On the way out he said "mommy - look at my medal..." And upon closer inspection I realized that each kid had a little affirmation written on their medal. Andrew's medal said.....

"Most Lovable."

If my kid ever wins any award in his lifetime I hope it's about being a loving kid.
I almost cried.

Garden Update

2009-07-30T19:37:00.006-04:00

I'm not going to lie to you: it's not going well. You are looking at a picture of our total yield so far. About 8 green beans.

We started with a variety of seeds, seedlings and full plants - none are doing well (except one - keep reading!). So far: the strawberries, sugar snap-peas and a few other things I can no longer recall never even broke through the surface.

The green beans are up but some animal keeps eating them. Otherwise I think they might be ok. The tomato plants have grown about 3 inches since I put them in the ground. Not one tomato yet.

But we have plenty of cilantro! However, turns out: although I love to eat cilantro...I don't have one recipe with cilantro in it. It sure smells good.

And lastly...the surprise! We actually have 4 stalks of corn growing. I think we may just get some corn! Bill mocked me mercilessly (and countless others told me that I was crazy for even thinking that corn would come up). And: that's the only darn thing I can get to grow.

Here are some things I'm discovering:

Soil really matters. Our soil isn't great for growing things (becoming evident at this point!)...and we could do things to improve it.
Fertilizer (or compost) really would help, if I could just get motivated to get some.
I'm interested in having vegetables but I'm not that interested in gardening. (I knew this already but I really thought it might change)

However: I'm determined this won't be my last year. It's only my first. Next year I need to put much more energy into preparing the soil and then fertilizing what's there. I just wanted to stick it in the dirt below my mulch and water it and then go out and collect my veges. Guess that's not going to work so well.

If this garden mirrors anything about God then I'm starting to understand that the preparation and the actual condition of the soil could be the most important thing we do. I guess you could call that the foundation of the garden. And God is really into foundations...so this shouldn't be a surprise. Foundations foundations foundations. This is where it's at. The no-glory, little seen disciplines that lead to the biggest yield. God loves foundations, so I should have seen that a garden wasn't going anywhere without a good one either. The truth is the truth no matter where we apply it.

In Isaiah 61:11 it says that the Lord = the soil. That seems pretty important. "For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations."

Friends

2009-07-22T18:27:00.003-04:00

I've been doing a lot of friendship-thinkin' lately. Not only did I just speak on this topic at Crossroads 2 weeks ago, but I've also just had a number of reasons to encounter new and old friends lately.
This is a picture of my beautiful friend, Stacy. It was a few weeks ago right before her little baby boy, Liam, was born. Stacy was my bestest (yep I said bestest), dearest high school (and long before that) friend. We were the friends who called each other the night before every school day to see what we were wearing the next day and went home with each other after school just because we didn't want to part-company. We told each other everything and still could. I regret the years in our 20s that we weren't in touch and have just loved getting to be part of her life again. This day was her baby shower. And I wanted to just hang around and talk to her and be near her as long as I could. I cried when I left just out of gratitude for being able to be part of celebrating her first child.

I'm also missing my Amy. I've written about Amy in the past. She lives in South Africa right now. And sometimes I miss her with an ache...the kind of missing when you long for your friend and have no idea when and where you are going to be able to see her again. It's just a hole sittin' there with little hope of getting filled up over Facebook and email.

And lately I know God has been showing me how to be a friend of His...how if I want to be in friendship with Him then I will lay down my life for my own friends. And I'm asking Him for ways to do that. And He's giving them to me. Sometimes not with the people that I thought He might. I'm actually excited to give myself up for my friends because I have a deeper understanding that it's actually GOD that I'm getting closer-to by doing that. Don't hold me to the "excitement" part: it's not always a fun proposition. But I do get, better now than ever, that when I commit to my friends, God takes that very seriously. He's serious about friendship. And the way I honor Stacy, Amy or any other friend is not just a matter between me and them: it's an issue between me and God.

Mind-Numbing

2009-07-16T14:01:00.002-04:00

That's what I've felt like this week. Just like my mind was numb. I haven't been interested in reading much, writing much, talking much. I have wanted to keep to myself and recover. I feel like the pile-up of the past few months is now pushing me away from anything structured in study or writing. I've planned a lot of teaching and in every free second away from my kids I've had to engage my brain in something. And I'm pregnant, so I'm just tired. Bottom line: I'm feeling a little numb.
So I'm giving myself a break - this week it's pretty much been a cup of hot chocolate and a nap while the boys are down. And now this. But hot chocolate is next.

"She can laugh at the days to come..."

2009-07-02T15:20:00.003-04:00

This is a quote from Proverbs 31. It's about a wife who works hard to love, care-for and make preparations for her family. I think God is pushing me to take this to the next level.

I saw this particular verse differently after the other night. There are 3 women I meet with on a regular basis. And we had a discussion about some of the "warnings" that the Lord seems to be giving his people. Warnings to be prepared, be watchful and do it now while things are ok.

You can call me crazy or call me wise. I guess only time will tell that. But, with Bill's blessing, we've decided to begin to take precautions that we've never taken in the past based upon some of the things people we know are hearing lately from God.

Now, I don't even like it when Bill buys 2 boxes of Wheat Thins at a time...let alone storing food for "some other day or time" we might need it. But - wisdom tells me it's time to change my spots on this one.

I'm developing and purchasing several things for my family: a water supply, an emergency food supply, a basic supplies inventory that would cover staying warm, having lighting, having a cooking source, sanitation w/o water, etc.

And there's no fear here. Just a desire to follow the Lord into whatever will happen in our world to come. I'd like to be able to laugh in the midst of it.

PS - If you're interested, here's the fantastic website I used to learn and prepare my lists:

http://www.family-survival-planning.com/

Bread without Yeast

2009-06-25T14:23:00.003-04:00

I should be doing something else right now. But instead I'm looking up recipes to make bread without yeast.

Why?

I'm not sure.

At least the only reason I have is because it is a thought that I believe comes from God. It's come to me at least 4-6 times in the past month. What a weird thought..."hey - I should learn how to make bread. And I don't think it should have any yeast."

I know there's a lot of biblical stuff in yeast. Can't say I know too much about it all except that God generally thinks we should avoid it. And it typically represents bad stuff. (Is this right - any yeast bible experts out there?)

In any case - I think God wants to me have on hand the recipe (and maybe an attempt or 2 under my belt) and all the ingredients.

How long do things like cornmeal, shortening and flour last? A long time, right? It just hit me that this could be some sort of preparation... a suggestion by God to have this knowledge and this preparation on-hand. Similar to my garden-thing... well, I'll let you know how my first bread-attempt goes. Probably about as good as my garden is going (not good - look for an update on that soon).

I sure hope God works well with fumbling attempts to follow. That's all I've got.

The Last will be First

2009-06-20T18:35:00.002-04:00

Lately Andrew is concerned about whether he gets to go first (mostly vs his brother!). "Mommy - can I have the first Capri-Sun? the first turn? the first cup of milk? is this the first bath?" And on and on.

A few days ago I began to tell him about what Jesus says...that if we are following Jesus then we need to know that He says the first will end up being last and the last will end up being first. I explained that could mean something as simple as giving Luke the first cinnamon roll instead of asking for it himself. At first he didn't like this. But today he began saying "mommy - luke can go first...I'll be last." I don't know if it'll stick but I told him that made mommy's heart happy!

I was putting pasta into bowls for dinner tonight and Andrew said "Mommy - can I have the pink bowl? Jesus doesn't say anything about bowls, does he?!"

We're having a baby!!!

2009-06-16T15:41:00.004-04:00

Yep, that's right. The Pattersons are having number 3. Woo hoo. We've told many of our friends now and our family. So - why not post it on the blog, now right?!

This baby is because of the timing and plans of the Lord. No doubt.

I had been diagnosed with a condition in my past called "PCOS." Basically - good luck ovulating...maybe a few times a year at most. Our first son we had the help of fertility medication. Each time they'd say "sorry - you didn't ovulate." But eventually we ended up pregnant. Our second one, we took one pill; the doctor told us it didn't work. And then the next month we got pregnant. So we weren't quite sure what happened there. And this time: nada. Just us and God.

God began telling people (Bill, me and a few friends) that He had planned a third baby for us. I think it was almost a year ago now when we first heard that. He's been doing that to a lot of people lately. Check out this post on my friend's blog: http://www.stevemanuel.net/Steven_Manuel/Blog./Entries/2009/6/3_The_God_Who_Makes_Babies.html

When I went in for the "confirmation of pregnancy" visit, the doctor (not my normal doc) said to me "in my experience it is highly unusual for this condition to reverse itself. And what you're telling me about the regularity of your cycle leads me to believe that that is, in fact, what has happened."

I wanted to say "Yep. Do you know Jesus? Guess what? Turns out He still heals people."

Anyway - I'm almost 10 weeks. Due January 15. And yes: we'll find out what we're having. That'll be a post sometime in September!

Snake Bite!

2009-05-31T21:04:00.003-04:00

About 2 weeks ago I had a weird dream. I got a snake bite on the hand (between the thumb and first finger in that fleshy part). Not a backyard-kind-of-snake, but a SNAKE. It was black. It looked sort of like the picture I selected here. In the dream, I had to grab it by the tail and actually pull it's 2 fangs out of my hand and then throw it away from me. And, weirdly, I didn't seem to be hurt.

This dream happened right before I woke up in the morning, so I awakened thinking "ooohhh gross. That was awful." And I promptly dismissed it and moved on. It definitely left an impression, but I didn't have a feeling it was spiritually important at that time.

I'm reading a LOT in the book of Acts lately. And about 4 days ago I re-read the part at the very end when Paul is on Malta. He gets a snake bite - on the hand! And the island people want to treat him like a god because they're waiting for him to die and nothing ever happens to him.

So - I stop cold while I'm reading. And immediately remember my dream. But then I get myself confused thinking "did I just read this same passage a week or 2 ago and THAT's what I'm remembering?" But nope - I sure did have that dream.

I'd love to know what you think. I now believe the Lord has something for me in this. Any thoughts or interpretations? On my dream or on that passage in Acts?

Season of Blessing

2009-05-29T10:56:00.005-04:00

We've definitely been in a season of blessing lately. Our family is close. Our boys are growing like weeds and are secure and loving. Our friendships are deepening. There are babies being born in our community everywhere we look. We find ourselves genuinely enjoying our home and our life right now. Sure, there are days when none of this is true for a moment but, overall, looking back at the recent past, we've been in a season of blessing.

So, I got curious.... what does God say in scripture about these times? Does my version of being blessed line up with God's? I like this verse in Ezekiel and the description of God's blessing that it gives:

Ezekiel 34:25-27

25 " 'I will make a covenant of peace with them and rid the land of wild beasts so that they may live in the desert and sleep in the forests in safety. 26 I will bless them and the places surrounding my hill. I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing. 27 The trees of the field will yield their fruit and the ground will yield its crops; the people will be secure in their land. They will know that I am the LORD, when I break the bars of their yoke and rescue them from the hands of those who enslaved them.

Peaceful Rest

God fights off our enemies

Growth

Fruit and harvest

Security in Him

Freedom from oppression or slavery of our past

So, yeah, I think it's lining up well. And important to note; there's nothing to do here but receive it. And know that it glorifies the Lord. I guess He can bring himself glory in any number of ways, but one way he sometimes does it is to bless those who follow him. Occasionally I find it hard to accept - hard to just sit back and go "ok - bring it on." My flesh wants to figure out when something is going to go wrong or think up reason I don't deserve it or wonder if it just simply isn't true - like I'm delusional or something. But - the truth is - God's heart and character is to bless those who remain faithful to Him. Simple as that.

Morning Coffee = Love

2009-05-25T12:04:00.004-04:00

Every morning Bill makes coffee. He gets up around 5am and I get up around 6am, so the coffee is ready and waiting when I come down. To me, this is love. There used to be mornings when I would get up and Bill was so engrossed in work that he hadn't yet made the coffee. I think the look of disappointment on my face said it all. That hasn't happened in a long time. We both acknowledged that when he makes coffee for us in the morning, it's a way that he loves me.

Last night we were going to bed and I noticed he was doing something with the coffeemaker. He said "I'm just making your coffee now since I won't be here in the morning."

That's love, people.

And PS - Our favorite is Seattle's Best: Cinnabon flavor.

Celebrating! Joy! Bahamas!

2009-05-16T12:51:00.004-04:00

Bill and I are here in the Bahamas. We are celebrating! My 32nd birthday and our 10 year anniversary. And we're just celebrating with joy all the goodness and blessing that is in our lives these days.

And since I'm paying $10/day for internet, I thought -- why not put up a blog post with some pictures so that you can all celebrate with us?!

The Hilton staff sent up a chocolate dessert for my birthday last night. The restaurant we ate at was quaint with top-quality food - a real treat. We've been sent a bottle of wine and gift certificate for dinner from my parents. There's lots of sunshine and beautiful water. We have time to read and talk together. We get to sleep in a little and have dinners out. All in all, it's just a treat. So - join us in celebrating!

We miss our boys. But I just keep thinking that I would miss out on the joy of these moments if I was so focused on them that I couldn't experience what's right in front of me. So we rest in the fact that our family is caring well for them. And we just enjoy the blessing we've been given.

Vulnerability

2009-05-13T15:27:00.002-04:00

I've been contemplating and praying about the idea of "vulnerability" lately. I think this is something that God is stirring up for me to consider. I've just found myself hearing about it in prayer in lots of different ways...here's a few:

Told a friend of mine that I felt the Lord wanted her to be vulnerable in her joy surrounding her new baby.... to me this might mean --sharing your heart with others, exposing yourself in your joyful state, not concealing it or acting as though it is less than it is...
I ended up teaching via video for this class I'm doing and a major point was about how God requires boldness and/or vulnerability from us when we are dealing with acting-in-faith and following his Spirit.
I got an evaluation form from someone in my class at Crossroads that said "I haven't been able to understand what Alli has been saying." And it hit me in a vulnerable place -- in a fear that I have that my words and thoughts are too much and confusing to others. The whole evening after that I just felt vulnerable and touchy.

Vulnerability to me could also look like having an actual opinion about something. Deciding how I feel about something and communicating that reasoning is vulnerable for me. I feel like that opens me up to be disagreed-with, told to 'take a hike,' finding out I'm just plain wrong, feeling stupid or opening myself up to be rejected by someone else who doesn't appreciate me or understand my heart. In essence, refraining from opinions is a form of self-protection. And definitely not a vulnerable place for me to be.

I'm a long-time phone avoider with acquaintances, co-workers, cold callers, people whose numbers I don't recognize on the caller ID...(basically anyone except good friends and a couple family members). I think, in part, because it's vulnerable. What if they ask me something I'm not prepared to answer? Geee.....why don't I just try saying "I can't answer you on that and here's why!"

God has been trying to move me out of this place in my past where I understood what everyone else was thinking or where they were before I expressed an opinion. Even if I went ahead with a strong opinion, I'd assessed the risk. This is inauthentic and, at worst, manipulative (even if I didn't have that intent). I think God is after me to just be open and vulnerable. Risk rejection from others and come to Him to receive my fill.

Even writing this is vulnerable for me, because it feels exposing. Our masks tend to keep us in denial. The less vulnerable we are, the less we have to face the potential consequences of failure or rejection. And the more we can believe that we can make it on our own. Join me in saying -- this is CRAP.

God - I repent of self-protection, denial and avoidance. I repent of trying to keep myself out of harm's way and avoid being rejected. I know this is a false way to live life and you are the only Protector. I know you fully receive me even when I'm wrong. I know you love me more fully than I know how to receive. I know in my efforts to remain closed, I have cut off real relationships from going further and you from working. I take responsibility for this and ask you to lead me out of it. Bring me opportunities to be vulnerable and help me take them with your leading. But don't leave me! I need you! I'm scared to be in vulnerable places without you.

Pedicure Chakras?!

2009-05-09T20:49:00.005-04:00

I got a pedicure today in honor of our upcoming anniversary trip to the Bahamas (Wooooohooooo!). And no sooner was I settled comfortably in my back-massaging, vibrating chair with my feet in the warm water then Mandy (the Aveda nail tech doing my feet) walked up with a little booklet and said "look through this - these are all the chakras and pick one out to be added to your lotion." So I, looking stupified, said "huh?"

She launched into an explanation that Aveda, corporately, had decided to reintroduce their aromatherapy linked to all the chakras in the body...said something about 'Indian medicine' and whichever one I picked is the one my body was craving -- the thing I needed the most. The cards said things like 'wisdom, insight,' etc. And then she said that Aveda had reformulated these scents so that they actually changed things internally around these chakras. (Again "huh?"). Still unsure what a chakra was....

I sat thinking about how strange it was to have an entire world-view proposed to me (or forced upon me) while I got a pedicure at my neighborhood salon. I was not expecting it and was really taken aback. I sensed that God was urging me to understand that, in these times, we are more and more going to be presented with things like this: things that are counter to His Kingdom. Anti-Jesus world views that are proposed by nail techs. I say anti-Jesus because ANYthing that proposes a power (especially to redeem and heal) that is outside of the power of Jesus is FALSE. That doesn't mean that there isn't power that can be experienced -- it just means that it's a counterfeit to the real thing; essentially a chakra-balancing pedicure is 'occult-ish' - it stands opposed to God's real healing and redeeming power.

I need to get prepared. I was asking Jesus if there was anything He wanted me to do, say, etc. to Mandy. I wasn't compelled, so I didn't. But I certainly did note how strange and startling this experience was as I consider it from the perspective of the Kingdom of God.

Paula's Blog Experiment

2009-05-06T13:07:00.003-04:00

I'm sitting here with Paula. We're checkin' out blogs. She's about to start one for parenting (I'll put it on my list when she's up and running!). I'm showing her how to post. This is a mile-marker for me: I'm teaching someone else something about the online world. It is possible for someone to know less (at least about blogging).

So...we're just messing around.

PS - Here's our friend Bill Poff with a monkey. Just because he's always the guy who wants his face on everything. (kidding - if you knew Bill you'd know that was a joke).

No slaves needed

2009-05-05T10:11:00.002-04:00

So...here's the follow up post to my last...I told you I'd say what I'd actually heard the Lord communicate to me that I refereced in my last post...so here it is: God (Almighty) wants us to know Him as "The Lord."

In Genesis 17, God introduces himself to Abraham and says "I'm God Almighty..." and explains that He wants to bless him, give him an inheritance, be faithful to Him and fulfill His Covenant. Later, in Exodus chapter 6, he speaks again to Moses and says 'I'm now going to reveal myself as THE LORD... I've never revealed this aspect of my character and heart, so Get Ready! I want to FREE my people, LOVE them and REDEEM them. I want to punish their enemies. I want to take them as my OWN.'

God isn't satisfied to fulfill a contract with us. He doesn't want slaves. He's not happy when we hear his voice. He's not happy when we obey Him. He's only happy when we engage our hearts together with His and then Hear, BELIEVE and then Obey. We aren't slaves to a master...we're in a love-relationship (if we will enter it) with THE LORD. Without our hearts involved, we're simply (at best!) executing commands from a master to his subject.

Enter the Hebrews verse that tells us "without faith it is impossible to please God." I always thought of God in this verse as a disapproving master up there frowning at me as I struggle to muster-up enough faith to please Him. Wrong! Entirely NOT the point here. God is saying to us that WITHOUT our hearts involved it isn't Real Faith (i.e. unless we receive Him as THE LORD and let Him free us, love us and redeem us), and He still isn't happy. He wants us to be in a love relationship. And that's it. That's all He's after.

He isn't interested in slaves. He's got armies to do His bidding - they're called angels. He has something else in mind for you and me. And He isn't happy unless we enter into Real Faith by believing Him with our whole hearts and letting obediance flow out as a natural by-product of that love.

The Spirit of Truth

2009-05-01T08:59:00.002-04:00

I haven't been writing things here like I usually would - processing things that I'm learning and hearing in my relationship with God. I've been writing them someplace else. I'm teaching a community group at Crossroads. I created this class called "Walking by Faith." And it turns out that I'm about 5 days ahead of the class. Here's what I mean.

I've actually been praying for the content of this class for a while. I knew the topic. I knew some of the influencing books. I had a basic outline of content and progression. But as far as the meat of each week...well, like I said: I've been about 5-10 days ahead. Each time I prayed I just heard God saying to me "I'm going to give it to you." And he has. I've been reading and writing faithfully what I've been hearing from the Lord and simply continuing in my relationship with Him in a focused way each day - searching for and expecting Him to speak to me about the topic at hand.

So Monday night was the first class. And something popped out of my teaching - a phrase that I noticed I repeated twice. It was a sub-point at best - more like an illustration of something I was saying. And then it popped out on the feedback forms that night "hey - I want to hear more about that" or "I could relate to that concept." I knew this was the Lord giving me something about the class He wanted talked about, so I prayed on the way home that night asking Him to reveal it me me. Two days later I was reading in my bible in the morning and BAM! there it was. The concept, the explanation, the very thing I knew He wanted taught. Don't get me wrong; it wasn't in black and white but it was THERE.

A few things I'm learning in this process:

If you get ahead of the Lord, you'll miss actually experiencing relationship.
The Holy Spirit is the revealer of truth. Period.
(Many times) our daily spiritual disciplines are the exact way that the Lord will reveal Himself. Our faithfulness and discipline begets revelation and intimacy with Him.
The Holy Spirit empowers us to minister to others -- the gifts are for the Body. God is excited about giving me insight and empowerment to teach His Word to His People. He doesn't hoard His Spirit. He is generous and giving!

More to come on what He is actually saying....

My little seedlings...

2009-04-28T08:28:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a beautiful day...and so I thought to myself "If I were a plant, I'd want to be outside today." So I put my little seedlings out in the driveway for some fresh air, breeze and sun. Two of them actually had a little mold on them -- and I knew the sunlight would take care of that.
The wind knocked them down.
The sun dried up the soil quickly.
They looked a little parched.

So I moved them back inside.
Krissy later said to me "I guess you just have to think of them as newborns...." Hmmmm.

The experimentation continues.

Bill's Favs!

2009-04-25T14:06:00.002-04:00

Bill has now had time to listen thoroughly to his new Birthday Playlist on his IPOD. After some runs and a few grass-mowing sessions, here are the ones that he says he likes the best:

Lovely Day, Bill Withers
Viva la Vida, Coldplay
You Found Me, The Fray
All Will Be Well, Gabe Dixon Band
October Road, James Taylor
The Man Comes Around, Johnny Cash
Only Grace, Matthew West
I Am, Mark Schultz

Thanks again, friends. We both think it's so much more fun to use our IPODs now. And, if after reading Bill's Favs, you think of any others we could purchase; we're still chipping away at our credit in the ITunes store -- Suggest away!

And lastly: I've officially added Funeral (Band of Horses) and Disappear (Gabe Dixon) to Alli's Favs and I've also purchased the song "Ever After You" from the Gabe Dixon Band. Woo hoo Gabe.

Andrew in the Big Apple

2009-04-20T10:20:00.016-04:00

We had such a blast. Andrew and Mommy took a weekend trip to go and visit my brother, Uncle John, in New York. He cleared his calendar, we got beautiful springtime weather and we hit the town with Andrew.

We went to Central Park, got ice cream, climbed rocks.

We took Andrew to a Thomas and Friends Live on Stage show. He loved it!

We just hung out with John and Matt. And even got to see Uncle Jim and Aunt Sheli. We rode LOTS of "underground trains." And even an occasional taxi. Andrew hailed his first cab.

We took Andrew to FAO Schwartz just to play! I love that it never even crossed his mind to ask for anything to be bought. And honestly -- the window with taxis going by was probably better anyway (pictured above).

We walked to Riverside Park, threw sticks (of course), hit the playground and saw where Captain Sully put the American Airlines jet down right in the water a few weeks ago.

Our trip brought rest to John, Matt and another friend, Joe. They said they'd never taken a walk in Central Park in 12 years in NYC. And it'd been a year since John had just sat down on his couch mid-day and watched some basketball. So -- REST was what we brought with us. And we gained knowledge of every mass transportation vehicle possible over 72 hours - Planes, mini-busses, cabs, trains, hired cars - you name it. That was Andrew's favorite part. My favorite part was just getting to spend some one-on-one time with Andrew and remind myself again what an amazing kid I have.

There's life!!!

2009-04-16T16:06:00.003-04:00

I didn't really believe it! There are things growing. I guess I didn't really believe that anything would grow. I mean, it was just a seed and I have no idea what I'm doing. But - look! Things are growing. And it wasn't really me. I mean - I put them in the dirt and watered them, but really I have no idea why they're growing. Amazing, isn't it??!!

1 Corinthians 3 talks about this...check it out... "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor."

Turns out I don't need to know much to grow something. My work was to prepare and water, the growth was the easiest part! As a matter of fact, I don't even know how it happened. That reminds me of a comment my roommate made to me in college about studying business and how pointless it was (she may have been right!) but I said back to her - "well you're studying biology and it will happen whether you know about it or not!" I guess we were both right from certain angles.

I knew God was going to teach me through this garden and it's already started. How little faith I seem to have in Him that He can do His Job... that things will actually grow from seed, sun and water. And how slow I am to want to prepare. My obediance and effort just set the stage for God's Big Show - the growth. Awesome.

Now, seriously, I can't take these outside until late May -- what do I do now? Am I going to have to find them a bigger container?

We have all good things

2009-04-13T09:22:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was a great moment for me to realize the Lord is fulfilling this in my life "Blessed are those you choose and bring near to live in your courts! We are filled with the good things of your house..." That is a quote from Psalm 65 and a promise from Jesus to me. He chose me. He brings me near to Him. He gives me good things that only He can give.

Yesterday was Easter. Some of those good things are: Him. My relationship with Him...his nearness to me, his voice, his presence in my life. That's the best stuff. Yesterday I also saw this in...

all the children of my spiritual family (Mac, Bode, Honor, Mac, BabyValentine, Irene, Ezra, Tobias, Kate, BabyManuel, Hannah, Leah, Jeremiah, Andrew and Luke). These kids ARE the Lord's blessing in our lives. Wanna see where the Lord is blessing a community? Check out the kids.
David Russell's cheesecake
the amazing collection of women in my life (Kelly, Mary, Dora, Krissy, Lori, Kate)

The fun of the egg hunt and kickball! (Krissy said "what is this nonsense about "kids-only?!")

We feasted...it was a great celebration of life. The life we have now. The life we will always have.

'Alli's Favs'

2009-04-07T14:25:00.003-04:00

This is the name of the new playlist I created for my IPOD. We have a very small library of music. But it was fun looking through and picking out my favorites...just wanted to share them with you. I, too, was blessed by Bill's birthday gift of music from our friends. This list include a couple new ones. But the absolute best one is "All Will Be Well" Gabe Dixon Band. I would LOVE to play the piano underneath that tune. And wow...I could hit replay 10 times in a row on it.

Anyway - enjoy perusing my list and please please suggest new tunes for me to buy: we have about $18.00 of credit to splurge on some new tunes... any ideas based on this list? C'mon - my friends must be better than Genius.

All Will Be Well - Gabe Dixon Band
Bridge Over Troubled Water - Simon & Garfunkel
Come Ye Sinners - Todd Agnew
Daughters - John Mayer
First Cut is the Deepest - Sheryl Crow
The Good Life - Bruce Hornsby
I'll Always Be Right There - Bryan Adams (our wedding song!)
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
Made to Love - TobyMac
Only Grace - Matthew West
Say - John Mayer
True Colors - Phil Collins
Undo - Rush of Fools
Viva la Vida - Coldplay
Waiting on the World to Change - John Mayer
When it was Over - Sara Groves
Where is the Love? - Black Eyed Peas

Bill's 35th Birthday!

2009-04-05T11:12:00.010-04:00

Saturday was Bill's birthday. It was a great day. I was reminded of how great it is to have wonderful people in your life. Even Adam, the man who owns Big Apple Bagels, loves Bill. I stopped in to get his favorite breakfast sandwich and walked out without paying. Adam said "tell Bill I say Happy Birthday!" And he tried to give me free coffee too (but we'd already had enough!).
Our boys, of course, are favorite people of ours...the day wouldn't have been complete without Andrew singing lots of "Happy Birthday to Daddy." Here they are helping Daddy open presents at lunchtime. Among other things, I got him a new bathing suit and flip-flops for our upcoming Bahamas trip.And all our other favorite people (aka: our friends!) came over last night to celebrate together. They all went together to buy songs and update Bill's Ipod. We are musically illiterate...but thanks to our friends we are now up-to-date with new Play Lists and all. Steven really went the extra mile to completely organize our music library and create a new play list of all the new birthday songs. Awesome! Some favorite tunes of our friends include songs from: Gabe Dixon Band, John Mayer, Coldplay and Kanye (a DR fav!).

And the topper (and my personal favorite present to Bill) was his chocolate cake. This was made with LOTS of love... Happy Birthday, baby!

Food Chat

2009-04-02T14:19:00.003-04:00

I've been doing some thinking about food lately - leftovers, gardens, RioGrande carry-out, family meal-planning, fasting, food for Bill's birthday party, kids meal ruts, the Last Supper... just lots of food thinkin'. So I'm interested in a couple things from (all?) you people that are reading this blog:

What's the best kids meal that your toddlers like(d)?
What's your favorite (Cincinnati!) place for cheap carry-out?
What's a good thing to keep in the freezer?
What's your best simple family meal?
Do you ever do communion with your family? When? How?
Is chocolate cake with chocolate icing just too much chocolate?
Should I be doing anything yet for my garden? Germinating? Huh?
What's your favorite homemade hot sandwich?

Ok - answer one or as many as you please. Just answer, people.

Stitched together in unity

2009-03-29T16:26:00.005-04:00

On Sunday morning I asked God to give me a picture of "the Church" in my mind. I just wanted to hear Him speak to me and I wanted to understand the Church better somehow. I closed my eyes and waited. And a few seconds later I saw a picture of a quilt. Not exactly like this one -- but close...lots of colors, fragments (almost scrap-like), but sewn together in a quilt that was quite pretty. It didn't have the strong lines of this quilt or a border but it was just as colorful.

I got tears in my eyes almost immediately. About 2 years ago I was in a meeting and people were sharing what they imagined about the Holy Spirit. I said (out of "nowhere" that I thought the Holy Spirit was like fine stitches....a sewer. I honestly did not know why I'd said it - wasn't sure I even had a strong feeling that it was true. But out it popped from my mouth. I kind of linked it to the scripture in Psalm 139 "you hem me in behind and before.."I had never forgotten this.

So when God showed me a picture of a quilt, I immediately understood that the thing that ties together the loose scraps of communities of believers all over the world is the Holy Spirit! The Holy Spirit sews and stitches t5ogether the Church -- the Church which might appear as loose scraps actually becomes both beautiful and functional through the work of the Holy Spirit.

And God knew that I would recognize this in what He said to me...baked-in encouragement that I hear His voice. I've been asking-for and needing this kind of encouragement lately. This was just a clear example of his kindness to me.

A conversation overheard....

2009-03-29T12:32:00.002-04:00

Andrew: "Shhhhhhh!!! Luke - I'm trying to watch Curious George."
Andrew: "I said shhhhh! Please, Weegs, be quiet"
Luke: (Yells again)
Andrew: "Luke - this is the last time I'm going to tell you..."
Luke: (ah, ah, ah, ah)
Andrew: "...or I'm going to have to put you outside by yourself."